My Declaration of Indepdence

What is a blog for if not for bold declarations?

First...some context.

I moved to New York City a little over two years ago; June 20th, 2012. I had an internship at an off Broadway theater. I foolishly assumed that getting a job would be no problem whatsoever.

Ha.

For the first few months of living in the city I had no consistent income. I got a job with a catering company, but that work was few and far between. I was applying for jobs like crazy. But I had no terrifically marketable survival job skills. I worked in a library for three months in high school. I worked for a grocery store for a little over a year (Hy-Vee; where there's a helpful smile in every aisle), and I worked for a daycare for a summer. Oh and landscaping for a summer, but that is definitely another story for another time.

And I could only work evenings and weekends. I wouldn't even wanna hire me. And I know how competent I am!

So September had come and I was broke as a joke and my fiance (ugh) was over helping me out. I was over having him help me out too. I was on Craigslist and Potbelly Sandwich Works was doing an open call one afternoon. I knew pretty much nothing about them. But I figured why not go to the open call. I go. I interview. I dazzle them with my college degree and my white skin (it is terrible to say that...but let us call a spade a spade). They hired me on the spot...which I have since learned is not something they normally do. I was going to be working at their location on 5th avenue and 35th street.

I went for my orientation/store meeting and I knew that this was a mistake. But money was money. And I took the job. And I worked nights and weekends. And I don't think I ever cried, but there were days where I would be there and think, "I have to get out of here. I can't be here. This is beneath me. This is a job I could have gotten in high school." I washed dishes for hours and hours and hours. I smelled TERRIBLE.

My internship came and gone and I was still there. Other associates left and new ones came. And I was still there. I moved up in the ranks. They loved me. I had a brain in my head and new how to work my ass off. They certified me as a trainer.

This entire time I was incredibly embarrassed to tell people where I worked. I would always deflect or lie or be absurdly vague or just make it seem better than it actually was.

I thought it was me. I thought...they were giving me money and I needed to be grateful. They thought I was worthwhile and that is worthwhile in itself. I worked hard to become okay with it. I got along well with my co-workers. Incredibly well...they find my sass and my patience to be...interesting?

Through this job I made one of the best friends I will ever have in my life even. That is irreplaceable.

Last summer it even got to the point where upper management was talking to me about becoming a shift supervisor. And I considered it.

I tried to get out of this job often. I would go through periods where I would apply for all sorts of jobs. I got super close a couple of times. But always ended up not getting it.

When I was on dating applications (OkCupid, Tinder...blah blah BLAH)  I would lie. I would pretend that job didn't exist. I was that embarrassed. I spent thousands of dollars on a college degree for THIS?

What is all of this leading to you ask?

Last week I was lead to a decision. Things have evolved over the last two years at Potbelly. I surely didn't think I was going to be coming up on my two year anniversary. (I must state that I believe in the company and their product. I think their sammies are delish.)

But I am better than that.

Gretchen Rubin says, "What I do every day matters more than what I do once in awhile."

So as of October 1st I will no longer be a member of the team at Potbelly at 35th and 5th.

I am going to work my butt off in the next month plus to get a new job. But regardless...I will not be there anymore.

I can't live a reactive life. I have to be proactive. I have the Public which is not going anywhere. My catering company loves me. Surely a person doesn't need THREE jobs.

I am nervous/scared. But I am excited and relieved. The moment I made the decision in my head I knew it was the right one.

If you're afraid to leap...if you're afraid of change...you are a lot like me. But I urge you...MAKE A CHANGE.

You won't regret it.

Below is my unofficial declaration. This blog entry is my official one. (Also, what are friends for if not taking a screen shot of auspicious moments in our every changing lives?)

The Ramblings of a Lunatic.

I feel like I should be writing something.

I feel like I only take to this when things aren't great. And I don't want anyone to see this and think bitch bitch bitch moan moan moan. But whatever.

You could also read this and think, why doesn't he just keep it to himself? Good question. Don't read it then.

I have been kinda silent for a couple of months...because I had a boyfriend and was out "living my life."

But that went away four weeks ago.

And I am still the awesome human being that I have begun to become in 2014.

I have written on here about chronic loneliness that I suffer...and how it can be compounded by living in New York City; add to it that my roommates are always gone. And then add to that more downtime than I am used to. And it is a recipe for...something. A blog post?

I don't want to be in another relationship right now. I don't just men at this point really. And I am a fuckin' prize and intend to wait.

And I have great friends. And they have been revealed in recent weeks; near and far.

And you would think that once you battle loneliness ten times you get better at fighting it. But sometimes you don't. Sometimes you just lean into it.

I am sure there are self-help books about loneliness...and I am certain they all SUCK. I don't intend to write a book about it that doesn't suck, because it would inevitably suck as well.

So often this year when this happens I think it is because I don't like being alone with myself in a way. As in, I don't love the person I am. I mean, I am awesome. But I know I could be better. I know there are things that I could be doing to make life better. Things I could be working towards. I actually have things in my life that I believe really passionately about; a theatrical writing project, a website/blog/idea for cultural curration (talk to me about it), producing a cabaret. I know I should be applying for jobs.

I know I can't live my life like this forever. I know I need to do something to jump start who I am going to be and what I am going to do. In the past I have thought certain things were going to be what was going to define me for the rest of my life. And they clearly changed. Is impermanence going to be the thing I'm know for? Because if so...I will just end it all now. I WON'T. But...hyperbole.

I am making decent money. I have amazing friends. All three of my jobs seem to think quite highly of me and deem me valuable. Which is valuable to me.

And every time I write on here I see me me me me I I I I I. I'm sure that is what my father would say if he read this.

There is a Little Women quote that comes to mind...but it eludes me at this point.

Actually, as I sit here thinking my mind took me to a Beth quote from the movie. About not liking being left behind. AMEN SISTER FRIEND.

Also, it is hard to just text a friend be like HEY I'M LONELY HELP ME.

Really what all of this is coming down to is that I should never let myself have this much time off two days in a row. Even if I am exhausted. Or that being a homebody isn't always the best.

But hey...yesterday I went to five H&Ms in the span of an hour so don't say I don't have goals! 

My heart is completely normal

I was finally able to watch The Normal Heart today.

I first encountered this play my freshman year of college. We had to find a "bulldog" monologue for freshman acting. The goal was to teach us to engage the power of our voice. I don't even know how I found it, searching the library, I guess. I don't remember my feelings from first reading it. But I remember doing the monologue in class and sort of failing miserably. But that was what freshman acting was for...and so interesting that the entire point was to empower our voice and that is what this piece was about. And as an eighteen year old I was trying to empower my voice...I still am.

I don't have a whole lot to say...it's just more than a Facebook status would warrant.

I am bowled over by the courage of everyone involved. Ryan Murphy who is known for campier things such as Glee and American Horror Story. He has certainly gotten a reputation for specific things in the past few years. But he is a powerful man. And I love that he decided to use his power for good.

This is what reminds me why I love theater and cinema and the power of entertainment to speak truth and open our eyes.

Matt Bomer letting himself go to such a completely physically vulnerable place. I read the cover article in this month's Details magazine with him. I have certainly have always enjoyed him. He is an out homosexual and is just so pretty...what more can you ask for? Well he has endeared himself to be me for always.

And Jim Parsons and Joe Mantello. Just all of the men (and women) in this who so desperately wanted to tell and be apart of this story.

And Julia Roberts. We all know how much I love her and why I love her. And I have to say that I was completely shocked by her. I was not expecting it at all; I found her staggering. And I have never known her to be vocal about the rights of gays or anything, but she is still arguably the biggest Hollywood actress. Certainly no one has passed her as far as money made for one movie. And to lend her star power to such a story endears her to me even more. What a class act.

I have to say that I find this bittersweet. I have seen all of my friend's Facebook statuses about how it has touched them and how everyone should see it. Well they are certainly preaching to the choir. I happened to be in a hotel room with my parents the night it premiered. And in every hotel room along with the Gideon Bible they have that little HBO booklet that tells you the lineup. My dad asks about The Normal Heart and I tell him it is not something he would be interested in. It's about the HIV epidemic in the 1980s. And he asks if it is pro-gay (what kind of question is that?). And I say yes. And that was that. I wish my dad could see it...I wish my family...I wish everyone who thinks the way they think could see it; for what it is. Not as a punishment for evil (which may sound extreme...but for want of a better phrase). I wish people could be woken up to what went on, what has gone on, what is still going on...and what will continue to go on. Not just HIV/AIDS, but the stigma. The rank of second class citizens. I know that things have come a long way and all you need is to watch fifteen minutes of The Normal Heart to know that. But man...this world still has so far to go. Not just for my rights, but the rights of women, the rights of various ethnicities. It took nearly thirty years for this play to be made into a movie and even then it was on HBO (which is major coverage), but why not a nation wide movie theater release?

I guess I had more to say than I thought...so what else is new.

Also, something new is coming around the bend for me. Stay tuned folks. It's gonna be a fun ride.

I wanna know how to get through, throught to something new, something of my own.

Do you ever set a goal for yourself and put an intense pressure on yourself to stick to it every day? So much so that you end up making yourself feel TERRIBLE for slipping.

I have made myself this goal of posting every day for a month, as I have mentioned.

And today I am so dog tired. This has just been a WEEK, you know?

But so much of my goals of the year are about showing grace to myself. Hopefully not crossing the line into going too easy on myself.

I also feel like when I started this blog I was working so much out in my life and divulging so much and it was interesting and fascinating and people were really responding. Because, who wouldn't? I'm so humble. But now that things are working out my posts are less interesting.

I guess I need to take this to the next level. If I want to be a writer I guess I have to really work at it, huh?

But I don't want this to be a blog about my white boy problems...which sometimes it is, but that's fine, because this is for ME.

Part of being an adult I have mentioned is being accountable to no one, but yourself. Which sounds awesome at points. But then, you have to be accountable to yourself! And that shit is hard.

I have started going back to a piece that I wrote over the entirety of my college career. And I even showed it to TWO people. And that is a big deal. I guess I need to show it to more, but I assume no one cares. And I am too sensitive to let other people read it. But I want to go further. I want to put it out there. As opposed to other opportunities that I don't want to take, because I don't want it badly enough.

I have no idea if that makes any sense...

I guess I can blame it on the Benadryl.

Maybe forcing myself to post every day will exhaust all of the boring-ness and will make me search for the wealth of experiences I have to share.

Growing up in a conservative, Midwestern community with a Conservative father who is a minister has always been something for me. But I don't want it to be that cliche thing where so many people are like, "Oh a preacher's kid...I hear you guys are always the worst...blah blah blah." Ew. Aside from the whole gay thing...I would say I am rather square. Just ask most of my friends.

None of this is probably interesting to anyone but me, but I am working it all out so get over it.

Now I think it is time to start watching Ugly Betty from the beginning for the fourth time...

Growing Up

I told myself a post a day! And I haven't gone to bed yet so it is still the 2nd for me. It is after 1:30 in the morning. I have to work at 9:30 and I took a cab. WHO AM I?!?! (24601? Anyone? ANYONE?)

Tonight felt like a benchmark of sorts. Being with a friend who means the world to me, who I haven't seen in over a year. I think about what we talked about when last we met. And it wasn't good! Things were BAD!

And a sign of a good friend is someone who you can talk to out of the context in which you know them. Yes, I will always hold a grudge that she abandoned me to live in the city of angels as opposed to this concrete jungle where dreams are made.

Again, guys, COMMUNITY COMMUNITY COMMUNITY. That is really what Sondheim and Lapine were writing about in Into the Woods and I certainly think J.K. Rowling was writing about it a LOT in this little series you may have heard of called Harry Potter.

It is vital. And to also realize that our dreams have changed and evolved, because we have changed and evolved. It's a powerful thing. It kind of takes my breath away.

Bottom line: we're all trying to do our best to find our ideal version of happiness.

My April Happiness Awareness

So I guess it has been exactly one month since I last posted. Which is actually quite interesting.

April made for a lot of awarenesses. I let my ruthless pursuit of happiness fall off a bit. Just busy and distracted by new people and new events and LIFE.

It has brought to my attention a new "thing" about happiness. I have talked to a few people about it and now I will share it with you.

There was a week plus where I sort of leaned into my unhealthy habits (i.e. lots of soda, candy, fast food, I even got McDonalds!) And I found all of those things yummy and satisfying. But I was disappointed in myself. I had also let go of my morning routine of waking up with ample time to eat and have a moment and fully greet the day.

Now I am back on the wagon, so to speak. And I truly feel happier. Withholding is a powerful thing. It's a fine line. I give in to soda, because I love it and it is delish, but then feel guilty. I stick to water for 6 out of 7 days a week and on that 7th day when I have soda it intensifies my level of happiness in regards to drinking the soda. Is it worth it? I'm not sure honestly. I was talking to my dear friend, Tessa. And we both seemed to think that no one really has it right when it comes to this quest for happiness. We all have our ways.

And instagramming 100 days of happy has made me so aware of this. If  I wasn't doing that I wonder if I would have noticed. And there was a slew of days where it was the end of the day and I hadn't taken a pic of something that made me happy so I would just make it work. Rather than seeking out that photo opportunity. So now I am back to plunging the depths of my happiness and actually pursuing it. And yesterday I had TWO photos. And there was a third one I could have had!

So why have I gotten back to blogging? asked no one...

Because I need to keep on this path. I think it'll lead somewhere. So for the month of May at least I am going to post every day! You guys will get sick of me!

Also, I am attempting a 30 day cold shower challenge. Stay tuned.

The Most Happy Fella

Well folks, you heard it hear first.

I am in love.

With The Most Happy Fella. (Which makes me the most happy fella...listen to the musical and you will understand.)

Now it is absolutely no secret that I am a lover of the musical theater. I have been since I was a wee little slip of a thing.

My weakness...where my heart lies is in The Golden Era.

And a show I have been aware of for years is The Most Happy Fella. I remember in high school for Christmas I got the TheatreMania Guide to Musical Theater Recordings (also known as my person Bible). This book reviews every recording of every show from like the 1920s to 2003. With a show like The King and I there are like ten plus entries, because there are at least ten significant recordings of that show (I own eight of them).

I remember reading about the OBC of The Most Happy Fella and it gives a brief description of the show and my interest was piqued. At some point I got the two disc OBC...but that doesn't mean much. I have so much music I have never been able to get through all of it.

In college I was introduced to the song Somebody, Somewhere...one of those classic soprano "I Want" sangs. At first it didn't do much for me. But then one day, one recording of it. Just slayed me. Like Amalia Balash standing in front of a mirror asking "Will He Like Me?" That simple. And that is one of the things I love the most about that song and the golden era. Such simplicity. The lush music, the emotion, the character with their one hope. Wanting to be wanted. Needing to be needed. That's what it is. That's what it is.

Last year Kristin Chenoweth did a PBS concert where she sang a lot of well known lady songs from the musical theater. She does this section about when she was first auditioning her agent didn't know whether or not to send her in for the ingenue or the character roles. So she does this scene between the characters of Cleo and Rosabella (playing both roles). It is the opening scene. Two best friends, sassy Cleo and hopeless romantic "Rosabella." They are waitresses and Cleo just wants to go home, but Rosabella discovers that a customer has left her a love note and an amethyst tie pin.

"I don't know nothin' about you. Where you ever go. What you ever done. I don't know nothin' about you. I don't wanna know. I don't gotta know. What I see is kind of young lady. I want to get married."

Cleo leaves to go home. Her feet are killing her. And that leaves Rosabella to sing her song. And when Kristen starts. The combination of the music and the breath she takes and remember sitting there and CRYING because it was so beautiful.

Well the Encores Series at City Center is doing The Most Happy Fella as part of their season. And I knew I wanted to go. I have ALWAYS been intrigued. And I knew I had to. A month or so ago  I was determined. I didn't know how much it would cost, but I just HAD to. This week coming up I haven't even had the money to spend on it, but I was going to when I got paid on Thursday/Friday. Well today I got a text from a friend who had a free ticket to the invited dress. YES.

I am going to detour for a moment to say that this is the FOURTH  time this has happened in 2014. I was DYING to see Beautiful...free ticket. Bridges of Madison County...free. Mothers and Sons...FREE. I must be doing SOMETHING right.

It's been a while since I have seen a classic, luscious Golden Era musical. And one that is new to me! I was transported. Which is precisely why I love it. On the edge of my seat. The music for Somebody Somewhere started and I CRIED.

I have never been a huge Laura Benanti fan before. She just doesn't do it for me. But she is a cut above the rest. Her performance was the epitome of lovely. Shuler Hensely was passionate and touching as Tony. Cheyenne Jackson is a dream and could sing me to sleep every night. Jay Armstrong Johnson is just the most endearing and charming and I want to marry him.

And special mention goes to Heidi Blickenstaff. She gave one of the most sensational performances I have EVER SEEN EVER. If this show were on Broadway she would get rave reviews and certainly a Tony nomination. I want to go see it again just for her! What a voice, and warmth, and what a body! And such CHOPS!

I can't fully explain or describe WHY the Golden Era does it for me. I think because of the transportation factor. It is MAGIC. It is a world where a king can die of a broken heart, where the sheer love of two strangers can make a Scottish village reappear. Where a man can turn a flower girl into a duchess in six months. It is the stuff my dreams are made of.

This makes me happy. Sitting in that theater I was so contented.

And I always think about this feeling and think I am this deep, unabiding love for the art form; a spiritual devotion. If this makes me happier than most things how can I have that every day? What is it? I fear that working in it. Creating it would delude me of it. Maybe I would be a kickass musical theater historian. I dunno.

All I know is I am going to now wear out the OBC of The Most Happy Fella, look up every reputable video on Youtube, and try and convince someone (ANYONE) to go back with me on Sunday night.

Do your favor and watch the link below. 

Kristin Chenoweth performs full-length "Somebody, Somewhere"