Things I Think Are Fun

I'll just get right to it.

The Happiness Project, The Happiness Project, The Happiness Project. Read it. I IMPLORE you.

She dedicates a month of her year to fun and leisure. Her number one commandment is to "Be Gretchen." And part of that entails knowing what she finds fun and what she doesn't find fun. She even talks in a really beautiful way about the sadness she felt thinking about her own happiness and the limits she has, because she knows there are certain things that she simply doesn't find fun. I can't properly capture it and my copy is in my bag which is not within grabbing distance...and I already shut the light off so you'll just have to read it.

This book has inspired me to do a lot of listing. That is something I find fun. And it helps me think critically!

I have done random, shallow lists mostly on the subway and it just puts things in perspective. Things such as items I want to save up to buy (paint for my room, chukkas, new towels, etc.), traits I would value in an ideal mate (someone who will meet me at the subway station just to walk home with me), potential things I want to do for my birthday (it usually blows, last year I catered a wedding. This year I am going to engage myself, even if the day is spent alone!), and the topic of this post...things that I find fun.

Things I Find Fun
- watching television
- sudoku
-cooking/baking (ideally for/with others)
-grocery shopping (when I have the money)
-libraries (I possess cards to any major system of any city I have lived in for more than six months)
-bookstores (when I die just bury me at Strand)
-drinking hot tea (makes me think of London and the ritual of putting  the kettle on, and a nice cup of camomile can solve a lot of things)
-pinterest/stumbleupon
-going for a walk
-trying a new restaurant or bar.
-yoga
-making lists (obviously)
-laying on a blanket in the sun in a park
-seeings shows
-going to the movies
-listening to my music
-shopping for clothes
-cast albums in general
- taking a nice hot bath
-lighting a candle in my room
-playing board games/cards

I made a list of things I don't find fun, but it is smaller and it was harder to think of things I don't find fun...which is good, I guess, because that means they aren't prevalent in my life. And by things I don't think are fun I mean that other people do find fun.  Going to the dentist doesn't count, because who actually would find that fun? Some examples...

-working out (the idea of a gym membership or having a six pack or beefy muscles does not remotely appeal to me)
-going to museums (If Doug were to read this he would shake his head. I just do not take pleasure in them. I know that I should. I just know myself.)
-clubbing (never would I ever...except that one night in London for Marie's birthday...)
-loud concerts (unless it were Reba McIntire or Sara Bareilles I probably wouldn't bother.)

I encourage anyone to take the time to write out an actual list of things that they find fun. And see how prevalent those things are in your life. If they aren't...then do something about it. I am.

Brooklyn and back (TWICE!)

I haven't been very good at this lately...and I think that is actually a good thing.

I am not divinely inspired, but I want to take stock of my weekend.

I like to have my "me time." No one likes it more than I do. I seldom spend more than one night out in a row, and if I have to work an eight hour shift you are hard pressed to get me to go anywhere other than my bed.

I also tried to have this conversation with my family over Christmas and they just didn't get it. I am constantly anxious about lack of downtime. If I close at work we are allegedly supposed to get out at 10:15, but in the past with crappy managers we would sometimes get out of there after 11. At the Public shows are flexible sometimes and shit happens so the schedule says one thing, but that doesn't mean I am getting out at 10 o'clock. And that stresses me out. I want to clock out, run to the train, so that I can get home and lay in bed and watch tv for the maximum amount of time before going to sleep. So I miss opportunities to stand at the bar and talk to friends or go to Taco Bell or that nugget place everyone talks about...

Friday night I went to a friend's cabaret show and loved being able to be there and to be with other friends I don't see as often as I would like. Then after that I went for drinks (as opposed to going home, my inclination), then after that even I went to a friend's apartment in Washington Heights, because he needed a friend.

Also, this weekend I went to Brooklyn...TWICE. It's a good thing I got my passport renewed.

Saturday night one of my nearest and dearest was painting in an artist's salon in Brooklyn (where else?) and out of that I got to spend two amazing hours on the subway (one hour there, one hour back) with a new friend having great conversation and I can't put a price on that one.

And Sunday I worked an eight hour shift...which sucked. And many times throughout the day I contemplated just going home after work even though friends were hanging out in Crown Heights. But... I did it. I WENT. And had the grandest of times! And didn't get home til 2:30! ON A SCHOOL NIGHT GUYS!

I am going to be egotistical for a moment. (Truthfully this blog is all about me finding happiness so it is probably all VERY egotistical.) A few weeks ago I thought some friends from work and I should spend time together outside of work. So I reached out...and we have not only done it once, but TWICE. And I did that! I am responsible for the hours of fun that have been had!

Now this sounds like a lame post...and it kinda is.

But reading The Happiness Project has been so inspiring to me. And I am only halfway through! But I see this woman engage her life in a new and takes baby steps and it makes it all feel so manageable. And to see her results. And I forget how vital community is. And even though I had to wait thirty minutes for the N at Herald Square last night I truly didn't care. Which is a BIG thing for me. My general nature of anxiety was just kind of absent in a way.

And also, a weekend spent supporting friends in various ways makes a person so much happier.

Lena Dunham...I just don't get it.

I am mad at Lena Dunham.

And that is probably what she wants.

I feel like she does everything in her life on her show to enrage people. Who knows. To even provoke discussion.

I have been an advocate for her since she came onto the scene. I loved the first season of Girls. I thought the second season had great merit. I think all of the conversation that was stirred up from the Patrick Wilson episode was very interesting. And her fearlessness in the way she presents her body is very admirable.

I have been watching all of season three diligently and have been annoyed and frustrated with these characters and this writing and the entire point of it all.

This past week really took the cake for me, though.

The bulk of the episode to me doesn't matter. But part of it deals with her college boyfriend/ex-roommate/ex friend, Elijah. They both happen to be vacationing in the same town near the Hamptons. We have seen Elijah in the first and second season. This is the first time we see him this season. He is with three of his gay friends and they see Hannah (not knowing it is her) in a bathing suit and they are laughing at her, because she is chubby and is wearing a bikini in civilized society. They then spend the rest of the day/weekend with the girls. And the depiction of the homosexual community is all surface. I am not saying it is wrong and that there aren't gays out there like that, because I know there are. But that is the only depiction and it is so incredibly unattractive. These men are all surface, they are mean and ugly to each other and to the girls. They are belittling each other. Elijah claims he might be in love with the guy he is seeing. He wants to tell him this. And when the moment comes the guy is such an asshole and Elijah has low self-worth so he tells him to forget it. And to distract him he starts to go down on him.

I was enraged by all of this. And I am not that type of gay. I don't use phrases like hetero normative and such. I am a proud gay man and live my life as such. My revolutionary tendencies come from leading by example, I guess. But this all felt so backward. And some of these men were, in fact, gay actors playing these roles and I wonder what the point of it all was.

And I think about the new television show, Looking, that plays on the same night on the same network as Girls. It is about three gay men living in San Fransisco. The main character, played by Jonathan Groff, is in search of a boyfriend. And I find it all to not be entirely flattering, but to come from a place of truth and to show a wide cross section of the homosexual community. This past week's episode was inspiring to me, because it was truth. He has started seeing a guy and they wake up together and simply spend the day together. They go for breakfast they do different things together in the city and go for walks and talk about first relationships and coming out and real life stuff. And the episode is just the two of them...as humans, getting to know each other.

I just don't get it. I have come to trust that Lena knows what she is doing, but maybe I am just missing the point of all of this.

It just leaves me feeling very cold...but I know a new episode is on tomorrow night and I will probably illegally watch it on Monday morning.

The Happiness Project

It's been two days guys...and I have yet to go two days without posting, but I am trying to be a little less rigid with certain things in my life and show myself grace..blah, blah, blah, blah, blah!

This week I started reading The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin. Now a lot of people might find these types of books silly or whatever...but I am a searcher. Eat Pray Love is one of my favorites and this is very Eat Pray Love esque (sans Julia Roberts).

And Gretchen wasn't as lost as Liz Gilbert. She knew she was happy with her husband, her two kids, her writing career and her New York City life, but she also knew that life is short and she should maximize her happiness. She decided to dedicate a year to happiness. Each month spent on a different virtue.

Now I read the first chapter sans pen and paper so I didn't take notes (I am going to go back and do that.) So this post is going to be about chapter two Remember Love (focusing on her marriage...and just relationships in general).

I don't want to take anyone's reading experience away from them, because I HIGHLY suggest this book. I just wanted to share some pertinent thoughts.

For each month she chooses a general theme and then four or five different bullet points to focus on.

Don't Expect Praise or Appreciation

This one is BIG for me. I have lived my life busting my ass to do a good job (unless it related to math or science). I work at a job here in the city that I really don't like, but I still give it as much as I can. And it is all because I crave that validation from other people. And I have craved that from significant others. And one thing I have been working on this year is letting that shit go. She talks about how she craves "gold stars" in her life. One sentence that I read that seems so simple really struck a chord with me. She is quoting a friend's parents.

"They always said that you have to do that kind of work for yourself (nagging chores, etc.) If you do it for other people, you end up wanting them to acknowledge it and to be grateful and to give you credit. If you do it for yourself, you don't expect other people to react in a particular way."

 I would say that I often do tasks for others, but with selfish motive. I want my roommates to be grateful I did the dishes or that co-worker to be grateful I picked up their task, because I had extra time. But I have been given a gift of being single and independent in this city and truly I don't HAVE to do anyone's job for them. I just have to worry about my own. The only reward that matters is the one I give myself. And I need to remember that.

Fight Right

"In marriage, it's less important to have many pleasant experiences than it is to have fewer pleasant experiences, because people have a "negativity bias"; our reactions to bad events are faster, stronger, and stickier than our reactions to good events...it takes at least five positive marital actions to offset one critical, or destructive action." 

The idea of a "negativity bias" really struck a chord with me. I have known inside that this is true. I have felt it. But to read it in a book and have a name put to it is pretty awesome. And I think back on where I went wrong in my last relationship and how I can do right next time. And this is so a place. At the end it was all negative experiences and we seldom reinforced with positive.

No Dumping

This one is obvious. I am SUCH a dumper in my relationships. I always assumed that is what they were there for...my negativity...and there can often be a lot of it. But she tested this and her lack of dumping (in her marriage and I would say even friendships) had no negative affect on her or her relationships. It just dissipated.

Show Proofs of Love

"There is no love; there are only proofs of love"

- Pierre Reverdy

I love that. Again, I knew that I loved him and I thought that was enough. I needed to show him my love every single day. I needed to make his birthday special, to take his laundry in, to go to bed when he did.

Early this week I was having a conversation with a friend about how I was craving physical intimacy. Just with friends...you know lately I have gone to work then just come home. And I am not always a hugger by nature. You would seldom see me hugging co-workers. But we NEED that affection.

"Hugging relieves stress, boosts feelings of cloesness, and even squelches pain. In one study, people assigned to give five hugs each day for a month, aiming to hug as many different people as they could, became happier." 

This next one is probably the biggest one for me.

"I'd always followed the adage 'Don't let the sun go down on your anger,' which meant, in practical terms, that I scrupulously aired every annoyance as soon as possible, to make sure I had my chance to vent my bad feelings before bedtime. I was surprised to learn from my research, however, that the well-known notion of anger catharsis is poppycock. There's no evidence for the belief that 'letting off steam' is healthy or constructive. In fact, studies show that aggressively expressing anger doesn't relieve anger but amplifies it. On the other hand, not expressing anger often allows it to disappear without leaving ugly traces." 

Woah...that is all I have to say to that one.

In the last section of the chapter she goes on to speak of finding her happiness formula. The short phrase that sums up how she believes we need to live/act to be happy. Part of it for her is "feeling right." The feeling that she is living the life she is supposed to lead. That is right for her - whether that be occupation, location, marital status, etc. I LOVE that idea. Because that is truly my quest...whether I had a name for it or not.

So I am going to focus on living right.

And for today I am going to let my annoyances go without airing them. I will report back.

The Bechdel Funeral Home

I saw Fun Home seventeen times. Ushering for the Public has its perks

This is a post I could have written awhile ago, before I even had this blog, but I feel like it is coming full circle now due to the release of the cast recording.

I saw it first as an audience member towards the beginning of October. I had been really excited for it. I am an avid fan of Judy Kuhn and Michael Cerveris is always a good time. That was really my knowledge of the piece. I really thoroughly enjoyed it. I wanted to love it more than I did. Anytime I see a show I always measure it against other theatrical experiences. Usually seeing Other Desert Cities front row center at the Booth or seeing Giant in the Newman at the Public. This time I was measuring it against Giant...because it was in the exact same theater. Giant was such a visceral experience. I had never seen anything like it and I was on the edge of my seat and many tears were had. I saw it twice. And that was when I was broker than a joker. This time paled in comparison. Not to say that one is better than the other or anything, because they are two completely different shows.

I then ushered it the following weekend. And for many times over the next three months. I went through a period of hating it, because I saw it so much. Then I was away from it for weeks. There was a cast change. Then I was away from it again for two more weeks, because of Christmas and such and then I ushered it for the closing week.

For those of you who have no idea about the show I will give you a brief rundown. It is based on a graphic memoir by Alison Bechdel. Music is by Jeanine Tesori and book by Lisa Kron. It is the story of Alison as she is writing her memoir and it all relates to her relationship with her father. She came out as a lesbian her freshman year of college and a few months after that her dad allegedly committed suicide by stepping in front of a truck, because he was a closeted homosexual. The role of Alison is played by three different actresses young (age tenish?), Medium Alison (college age - the Playbill referred to her as Medium Alison which I find quite bizarre), and present day Alison (age forty-three). Present day Alison is telling all of the story...she is seldom offstage. You see that her father was a very particular human being who was quite tortured and affected her so deeply. Judy Kuhn played her long suffering mother. I think that really does it.

I was so blessed to get to see it so many times, because it helped me to really dissect the show. And boy, did we. As ushers we talked about it constantly. Different realizations we had...perspective, what we thought of the new Medium Alison. Everything. And most people don't get that experience.

(There is another blog post in here about seeing the same show over and over again, but this isn't it. )

One of my first reactions and things I take away from it are the ability of these women to write songs that so completely capture an experience I have had in my life.

The first song is Changing my Major. It happens right after she has sex with her first girlfriend (her freshman year of college). The song is about how she is going to change her major to Joan (the name of her girlfriend) and the metaphor goes many different places. It just so captures a human experience...not a homosexual one necessarily...Joan is sleeping in the bed with her and she sings this song. It is just so magical and sweet. And one anyone could relate to. In the final week of performances my high school boyfriend came and saw the show randomly. I was sitting there watching the show and when it came to Changing My Major I was struck with the thought that my version was about HIM. It was surreal.

The second song is Ring of Keys. It is sung by ten year old Alison. She is at a diner with her father and as she goes to get the waitress she notices this old school butch lesbian walk in delivering packages. She sings, Ring of Keys, the best song in the show, possibly the best song Jeanine Tesori has written. It is about the experience of knowing that there is something in this person that is a kindred spirit. As a child you are too young to process this feeling. A repeated phrase in the song is "I know you." I can't specifically recall when I had this experience as a child, but I know I had it. More than once certainly. It's a powerful thing.

And finally, Telephone Wire. This song is sung by present day Alison, but as she is reliving the final significant conversation she has with her father on a break home from college. They take a late night car ride. And she sings about getting the courage to speak to her dad honestly. To "say something," to him. To have a real relationship. It is the song that gets me the most in the show. I have not had this specific experience, but I know that moment of being in the car with your parent(s) and nothing the things around you. Being so completely aware of your surroundings, because you so badly want to say something, but are so completely terrified. And certainly after having a tumultuous week at home with my father to then coming back and watching the show. It resonated in a completely different way.

Randomly, going back to Giant. I LOVED Giant. It was so grand, and lush, and MESSY. And beautiful. Fun Home is not that. I find it intimate and heart wrenching...and most significantly, CLEAN. Giant did not seem produce-able to me. Fun Home is so completely produce-able. I get so jaded by the state of the American musical sometimes. Bridges of Madison County being an example...Hands on a Hardbody being another one...Cinderella too (I include that, because of the new WRETCHED book). I so badly wanted them all to sweep me away and be brilliant. But they seemed rushed and messy and just not good. Fun Home is not that at all. So completely refreshing to see a well made play. What a rarity in this world it seems. I have seen so many shows since moving to New York. I truly couldn't count. And to see something that well made gives me hope for the theatre...for my life.

After the show closed a friend from work (blog shout out to Rachel!) was kind enough to let me borrow her copy of the book, Fun Home. And as much as I grew to love the show I loved the book instantly. It is one of those books . The kind I have been chasing...the ones that stay with you. That you can't get out of your mind for days, weeks, months, years after you read it.

Also, this is a facet of this post, but not entirely related. My final semester in college I did a Queer Theatre Independent Learning Experience with a fellow classmate and my directing professor. We read a book called Out on Stage about the history of gay and lesbian theatre, we read relevant plays, and the semester culminated in a night of scenes from gay and lesbian themed plays. One conversation that we had was about what does the future of queer theatre look like. Another conversation was about the lack of lesbian themed plays throughout the history of American theatre. I think Fun Home is the answer to both of those questions. And it is kind of awe inspiring to work for the theatre that produced the answer to such big questions.

And thanks to dear friends I was able to listen to the new cast recording as I wrote this blog. I posted on Facebook and within minutes three friend sent it to me. I AM LOVED!

Grace (who is she and what does she have to do with this?)

I will not be posting tonight, because I am busy trying to show myself some grace.

I urge you to take the time to do the same.

"I'm so broke that it ain't funny."

I am taking a break from House of Cards Season Two to write this...the sacrifices I make for my writing. (Bah!)

I don't entirely know what to write so bear with me.

This might sound a little like my Jo March post...but maybe a little bit more bleak.

I am so broke. Just so broke. Not the most I have ever been, but close. And I know many of us are.

I work three (ish) jobs. One that is consistent (at least five days a week). One that has periods of downtime. And catering which is hit or miss (but pays BANK).

Three jobs. I have a college degree. And an above average IQ (I don't know this for certain...but I am fairly positive).

This post isn't even about finding a job to turn into a career or a lifelong passion (Jo March) this is about making ends meet and not wanting to kill myself or losing every second of free time I have and my self-respect.

When I first moved here I thought it was going to be so easy to get a survival job. It wasn't. I went about three months without a steady job. And then the one I got ended up being not that steady. I have never applied for so many jobs in my life. And not hearing back and thinking I am perfect and just coming up short is so hard. This is why I couldn't be an actor. All that rejection. TOO MUCH. I see so many posts on Playbill or even just about other jobs in this world that aren't theatre related and I think "I could do that." I should apply. But then I don't. Because it requires retooling my resume and writing a cover letter (aka the bane of my existence.) Again...there is the passivity that has become the rule in my life. It also helps that I got a new computer and can't afford Microsoft Office. It is a catch-22...yet not remotely funny.

I made my rent last month. It was close, but I made it. And I will make it this coming month... I won't get to splurge on anything with my tax refund probably, but I will have a roof over my head. And that is something many do not have.

And truly I want for very little. Yeah I wish I could buy more groceries, but I am not hungry. Yeah I want to buy that cute jacket at H&M or those cute boots, but I have an abundance of clothes. Thus far this year I have seen 1 or 2 shows a week. I was able to buy Pringles a few hours ago. The frozen pizzas I like were on sale.

But more than anything it is the stress and anxiety. The fact that February is the shortest month. And that I spend so many nights in, because I can't afford to go out, but then I get sad or restless, because I am stuck inside. I had to turn down friends on Thursday, because I couldn't afford to go out. And I had a GREAT night in. But it still just SUCKS.

And I don't know if there is a point to this. But it is where I am today.

In other news, the library is free and I got Better Nate Than Ever by Tim Federle and The Happiness Project (which goes right to the heart of 2014!) Book reviews to come.

I love love.

So Valentine's Day, huh?

We all know that I am the most hopeless of all hopeless romantics...does that make me a hopeful romantic?

So many people who are alone...or even people that aren't go on about how this day was created by a greeting card company and how it means nothing and how they don't need a specific day to tell the person they love that they love them.

But I disagree.

Valentine's Day was always a big day in our house. And I really have no idea why. I think, because my parents just love each other so much. We would always have dinner in the dining room. Something nice, and drink sparkling grape juice out of the nice glasses. And have this jell-o and cool whip dessert. We would always get chocolates and one nice gift; one year Jo Dee Messina's cd, another Josh Groban's.

I had forgotten about these dinners until a couple days ago when talking to my manager at work. Some of my warmest memories with my family.

This year was my first Valentine's Day in six (?) years without a significant other. And I was so incredibly okay with it. I love this day. And I love sharing love with my friends. So I went to dinner with a friend and then we saw the Transport Group's production of Almost, Maine by John Cariani. One of my very favorite plays.

I forget just how perfect it is. So well written. And John Cariani was in it!! It is nine different vignettes about people finding or losing love in the fictional township of Almost, Maine. All of this happens on the night the Northern Lights are visible. And it is just so magical. There is the woman who carries her broken heart around in a brown paper bag, there are the two best friends that literally fall in love. There is Hope...who is looking for her place in the world. And Jimmy who so desperately wants to be found. And Rhonda who is "hung up there," but Dave is persistent with her.

I just love love. And I think putting love out into this world never truly hurt anyone.

Love on the R train.

So what will follow is a true experience I had on November 23rd, 2013. I was going to save it for my Friday post, but I have little to actually say tonight. I wrote it the night it happened.


Tonight I found myself on the 8th Street/NYU subway platform around 10:45…a place I often find myself. It had been a long day. And the cold had settled in unexpectedly. I just wanted to get home. The platform was mostly empty. You were in the little concession area. I was standing there with my headphones on. Wearing all black, black pants, black pea coat, black scarf, black converse, black fingerless gloves. I noticed you right away. I don’t know if you noticed me. After a few minutes the train shows up. It was an R and I needed the N. You got on…so I did too. The train was mostly empty. I decided to sit opposite you as opposed to next to you. You pulled out your phone and I pulled out my kindle. I was playing Sudoku you seemed to be playing a game of some sort. There were some very annoying girls sitting near us as well. We caught each other’s eye occasionally. I observed you. Tall, nice light brown hair and fair skin. You were wearing nice jeans, a black pullover and a black top coat with brown boots. A look I could never pull off, but you did. At one point you looked up and saw me looking. I smiled and you gave me back this great smile that made my heart jump. I told myself if you were going to Astoria I would give you my number. We get to 42nd street and you get up. My heart fell a little. You are standing holding onto the pole as the train pulls into the station. Before the doors open we look at each other again. You turn back to me, I think you are going to introduce yourself or whisper something in my ear, but instead you plant a kiss on my cheek. And disappear. The doors close and as we pull out of the station I see you walking.

 I am flushed and my heart is racing. We get to 49th street and I think I hesitated. I had no pen to give you my number. I should have grabbed your hand and made you stay for one more stop. I should have gotten off and gotten your number and just grabbed the next train. I hesitated. I am a guy who loves and lives for romantic comedies and this was the beginning of it. What a romantic New York moment…so fleeting.

I have never used Missed Connections before and you probably haven’t either, but if I don’t put this out there I fear my heart will leap out of my chest and race back to that subway car and that moment at Times Square/42nd street. This time though I wouldn’t hesitate.

I implore you to share this with the world. If you know a young man who has retold you this story send him my way. 

The Sound of Music Live with Carrie Underwood

This post may not be relevant...but I had very strong feelings when it aired and did not have a platform to express my feelings.

Also...I accidentally took a nap from 8 to 9:45 so I am up and watching videos of Audra McDonald on Youtube...like I am generally want to do.

I must start by saying I was VERY excited by this concept from the beginning. A live staged version of The Sound of Music a la Julie Andrews in Cinderella or Mary Martin in Peter Pan. I sadly was not alive to witness those live, but I have read about the power such things had.

Then I got wind of Carrie Underwood and was certainly skeptical...but hopeful (a la Amy Adams in Into the Woods).

I was still very, VERY excited to be able to watch it live. The experience of it all, but I had to work so I DVRed (is that correct?) it. I got home and my roommates were part way through it. I watched a bit and then went to my room. They  told me to lower my expectations greatly. And what I saw of it was very soap opera-esque.

Now let us back all the way up to get my general feelings and history of The Sound of Music in my life. I still remember so vividly watching it in Ms. Thompson's first grade music class. I remember the room, where I was sitting. I remember that I was sick and missed the first day of viewing so it started with the terrace scene with Max, the Baroness, and the Captain. I was obviously enthralled. I got the movie for Christmas or my birthday on VHS. And watched it over, and over, and over again. Three summers later my community theatre was doing it. I was the prime age to play Kurt, but my family was taking a trip to Israel (#class) so I was unable to audition. Our worship minister/later my voice teacher played the captain and my music teacher (Ms. Thompson) was the Mother Abbess. I remember my mother taking me and being obsessed. I believe it was my second live musical.

Cut to my sophomore year of high school. It was announced that we would be doing The Sound of Music for our spring musical. It was of course my dream to play Rolfe. I sang On the Street Where You Live for my audition...a brilliant choice if I do say so myself. I nailed it. Then at some point I thought maybe I should set my sights on playing Friedrich. But truly being a sophomore was poor...not old enough to play Rolfe not young enough for Friedrich (not a girl, not yet a woman).

I was cast in the ensemble...aka a fat lot of nothin'. My sophomore ego was VERY bruised. I did end up getting bumped up to playing Admiral Von Schreiber when both of our Rolfe's left, Herr Zeller was bumped up to Rolfe, etc etc. I landed a boring scene with a few lines that meant nothing to me. I was a DIVA.

After that I was very meh about The Sound of Music. I haven't watched the movie in many years. I just didn't care a whole lot.

Now it is the night of the live airing. My roommate's finished it and I started it after. It was very late and I got about forty five minutes in. I was very turned off by Carrie and Stephen Moyer. I thought maybe that was going to be the extent of my experience.

I must again interrupt the story to say that over that night and the next few days I saw a whole lot of backlash via Facebook and other social media sites about the whole experience. It really turned me off to people. Especially the fact that Nelson Mandela had died that day, but Carrie Underwood dominated the news cycle. Perspective people.

A week or so later I went back to the viewing one afternoon after work. I don't know why. Curiosity, I guess?

And I must say, I was swept up. I am not going to break it down in any major way, but there are things worth mentioning.

In any revival of a musical or play I hope to learn something new/have something new revealed to me (a la Denis O'Hare in Into the Woods). Now it has been made clear that I know this show intimately. And there were moments that I grasped in a way I never had; the gravity of it all. From the moment he receives his orders to what it truly means for him to perform with his family. And then the moment at the concert where Uncle Max makes the announcement that the Von Trapp family will be singing one more time. Now the book of this musical is VERY clunky. Certainly no South Pacific. I always viewed this bit of dialogue as extraneous. But it so DIRE. Max is saying this, because there is no other way to let them know that men have shown up to take him away immediately. And it is that moment that saves them. And then the final moments with Rolfe in the abbey. There were many tears throughout the entire experience.

Some shout outs:

- Those four actresses doing How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria? was just delightful! The staging, those four consummate Broadway professionals! When they all got down on their knees to pray. That should be done in EVERY production it was so smart! 

- I have never found Laura Benanti entirely relevant to my life in any way, but I loved her portrayal of Elsa. She is certainly underwritten and under appreciated...and not the character we see in the movie version. She was lovely. And human. And there are some moments that show a bit of her uglier (human) side and she leaned into them. She presented no judgements.

- And the most special of shout outs to Audra McDonald. What a revelation as the Mother Abbess! I read an article about her approach and skepticism of her playing the role. And she brought such humanity. The scene leading up to Climb Ev'ry Mountain resonated in so many ways. Her honesty. She made the dialogue sing. And then her straightforward acting of the song. How could I not be stirred up?

Now, for Carrie. She is one of the most gifted vocalists of our time. She is one of the most celebrated country stars of the twentieth century; the biggest thing to come out of American Idol. An actress she is not...I will not say she is. And her voice does not fit the music. But she was so completely committed. And her sincerity in that scene before Climb Ev'ry Mountain is all I could ever ask for in a Maria. I bought exactly what she was selling. And she handled it all with grace. I commend her. (And I am sure this all means a lot to her...) So we can all say that she took a role away from a Broadway actress or whatever...but first we must look at the SCADS of theater people in that filming.

And most importantly...and NBC's point, I believe, is that if it hadn't been someone like Carrie people wouldn't have seen it! Because, while Laura Osnes would do it with aplomb. She would not bring in the viewers.

The NBC execs didn't sit in their office and think "Oh, I wonder what programming we could do for all the pithy, bitchy gays of this world? Oh, I know! The Sound of Music starring Carrie Underwood." They thought about Julie Andrews and Mary Martin. And the experience they may have had as a child sitting on their stomach on the floor of the television room tuning in like the rest of the country to watch a live musical event. And they thought that as a world we are so caught up in everything else and we don't come together enough. And that night nearly twenty-two MILLION people tuned in. Not that many people see a Broadway show in a YEAR.

Now I must leave you with two things.

1. The reason we all love Carrie Underwood.

2. One of the many reasons we all love Audra McDonald.

Status Report

I missed my three week anniversary of this blog yesterday. You can blame my friend, Katie. I mention her name, because I have yet to convince her to read my stuff. I was at her birthday party/housewarming. Lots of wine...that is all that is to be said about that.

I am going to cop out a little tonight and do a status report. Like on Friends when they would do those flashback episodes to moments that we've already seen. Like when Ross decides not to invite Rachel to the wedding.

But a status report is good. Keeps me honest.

I have found doing this to be exhilarating at moments. Since starting I have gotten rid of any and all dating apps in my life. I just don't need it right now. I want it...but I don't need it. And this past ten days has been hard, because it has shown me how addicted to it I was. Swiping when I am bored can be so easy. I don't know if I will ever go back to them. I would like to leave it up to fate/God...

It has been a month and a half since I have spoken with my father. He has communicated via text, but I have not reciprocated. I don't remember who said this to me (and at this moment it is driving me crazy) but the longer I go without talking to him the easier it becomes to keep doing that. And that is bad. My last post was about the book Blue Like Jazz which I am really, really enjoying. Anyone that has ever had really anything more than a passing experience with the church should read it. I am the most skeptical of pretty much everything...but this is opening me up a bit. I am a searcher, and this guy is too. He is also an introvert, which of course I dig. He referred to himself as that cordless drill that has to charge for twenty hours just to be functional for three. I enjoyed that.

My mother and I had a great talk on the phone on Saturday night which was just really lovely. I should probably call her after I finish this. (Sorry mom!)

After I posted about my coming out experience and such my gorgeous, kind, funny sister (I say this, because she thought I was giving her bad press.) got very, very angry with me. My family has said that if you cross her it might be the last thing you do; it is one of my favorite things about her. She got very angry with me and was angry about life and general and I bore the brunt of that which is fine. I am tough as well. But at the end of this conversation she addressed the fact that she had called me disgusting that night my junior year of high school. Update: she doesn't actually think I am disgusting. Unless I like fart on her or something... It really meant a lot. I guess I didn't know how much it had affected me until I wrote about it on here.

And talking about her brings me to Lainey. She is out of the hospital...she has her tenth (eleventh?) fracture. Her brace is leopard print (obviously). But today Kristine sent me a photo of a drawing her therapist helped her do. It said it was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. And I may be crying a bit right now.

I have no focus on my career goals right now. Money has just been so tight and I feel like I am a character in a Brecht play. I am trying so hard to survive that the thought of moving up evades me. That being said...a friend sent me a posting for a part time Broadway blogger for a website that I am applying for. So maybe that is something.

I have always appreciated my writing, but I never thought it might be something that I am known for. Every day I am made aware of my community. And it is a very humbling experience. People who I went to college with read my blog, friends from work, high school teachers, my cousin who lives in Turkey, not Katie...but lots of others.

I hate to be "that guy," but I am just so very grateful that anyone is reading this. I don't know if you have learned anything about yourself through reading this...but my fingers are crossed.

Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller

Tonight on the hour long subway ride from Astoria to Crown Heights, Brooklyn I started reading Blue Like Jazz.

It is a book I had been vaguely aware of...I remember being at a conference in Chicago my junior year of high school where the writer was speaking. I don't remember what he said or anything.

I remember reading the back of the book at said conference and being vaguely interested.

When I was home at Christmas my sister had the book on her shelf and on instinct I took it. And set it on my shelf here with the vague intention of reading.

I have a lot of vague feelings apparently... (Apparently I have a lot of vague feelings?)

ANYWAY...

There was a gentleman friend that I was spending a lot of time with around this time. And he had just read it and felt very strongly about it. He and I spent a lot of quality time together from beginning of December through end of February. Neither of us are in the proper place to take care of someone else (me, let alone myself).

I found him to be a Godly man. Which you seldom encounter in this city. This city, to the naked eye, seems completely devoid of God. You can argue with me on that point if you wish. I encourage it actually! But finding a Godly man was/is refreshing.

Now in my generation and in the theatre, and in this city I feel like talking about God and a personal relationship with him is very much not a thing. And it wasn't until I came to this city that I was aware that he might be something I need in my life. Feeling the way I have felt at certain points I just felt like there had to be someone else that could take some of it for me. And if what I remember from my upbringing is correct...God is that place.

Now I could go very deep into things right now, but that isn't entirely necessary.

Thinking about God is inextricably linked to my relationship with my father, him being a minister and all. And sadly the animosity I feel there gets in the way of dealing with God as well. (Add it to the list...)

I have been in a reading rut for the past week and knowing I had an hour long subway ride I put that book in my bag...I think because it is the only book on my shelf that I haven't read yet.

I cracked it open and am about sixty pages in. And I am very resistant. All of that anger that I have been used to for the past six (plus) years is so incredibly present. But some things just really jumped out to me that I wanted to put here.

The first is what this girl has to say about believing in God and being a Christian. She is from Atlanta and everyone in her family is very much a believer. She claims to be an Atheist. But recently she has been feeling God's presence. 

"I can't get there. I can't just say it without meaning it. I can't do it. It would be like, say, trying to fall in love with somebody, or trying to convince yourself that your favorite food is pancakes. You don't decide those things, they just happen to you. If God is real, He needs to happen to me." 

That is something I have been trying to communicate to my dad for YEARS and there it was right in front of me. Something I probably couldn't even explain to myself. 

And the second is something that is even a bit more universal. If this blog is about a quest for happiness...and 2014 and my life itself (my super objective for all you actor types...).

"I don't think, however, there are many people who can stay happy for long periods of time. Joy is a temporal thing. Its brief capacity, as reference, gives it its pleasure." 

That just really hits the nail on the head for me. How can I feel so bad that I don't have joy in my life at this moment? It all just means that when it reappears I will feel it that much more intensely.

(The syntax in that last sentence is off, but its after 1 AM so I hope we can all let it fly.)

I'll put my little black dress on.

My roommate's boyfriend has an old English word-of-the-day dictionary and he told me last night that I am a melomaniac.

Melomania is defined as an inordinate liking for music or melody : excessive or abnormal attraction to music.

I took this as a very big compliment.

I often think of life in terms of a music video. I will pick a song to start playing on my ipod right as I walk out of the subway so that I can walk down the streets of New York with a big ass smile on my face and I can feel like the world is my oyster. And sometimes it happens organically. 

There are moments when I am packed in a subway car...and didn't get a seat. So I am standing for a long time and my arms are sore and I am zoned out, because I can't really read or do sudoku standing up. Then a song like What Makes You Beautiful by One Direction (JUDGE AWAY!) and I cannot help but get a big dopey grin on my face. And I imagine myself in a music video where I get the entire train of the car to sing along with it and it is a beautiful thing. 

For those of you keeping score at home, this week was a rough one. And today I was not entirely successful at combating it. I did make a strawberry cream cheese bread for a dinner party tomorrow night and made a turkey burger with mac n' cheese and fries for dinner. 

But today I wanted my post to be filled with some hope and joy. For me. 

Sara Bareilles' most recent cd, The Blessed Unrest, has been a source of much joy for me in the past six months. One song in particular and it has been in my head a lot lately. 

I see this as a music video so clearly. 

The first two chords sound wistful and sad in a way, but they don't last long. And this song is whimsical in away. The groove of it is very Pretty Woman to me. I imagine the may character of the music video looking into her mirror. She is sad. She may have just kicked her boyfriend out or may have been humiliated in some way. I could even see a college girl in her communal bathroom with mascara running down her face. But she makes the decision, just as I have, that this is not going to be a sad story. So she takes a shower, she does her hair, she uses her eyelash curler and she puts on that one outfit that makes her feel like the sexiest person in the world. And maybe she doesn't even put this dress on to go out for the night. Maybe she just dances like a fool in her dorm room. Because that is what I would do. And this song totally gives me the image of a camera zooming out of the building so you see her in her window just going to town. And then maybe you see women (and a few men) who have all done the same thing and they are all in their own windows dancing in their metaphorical black dress. 

This is a silly post. But I want this to be a place of creativity as well as a place to vomit my emotions. 

And if anyone wants to get in touch with Sara's people about my idea, please feel free. 

Can't 2014 start in March?

Well I feel like I really screwed the pooch this week...

I don't know if that is the proper phrase...it just so happens to be one of my favorites.

I really did get dumped on this week in various aspects of my life. And I did nothing about it.

I let myself be so completely passive. And that has been a lot of my problem since moving to New York. It is why I haven't moved up in many ways. I have certainly changed and grown and am in a better place. But I think about if I was more active I could be in a better place.

A saying in my family will follow:

If if and buts were gifts and nuts we'd all have a Merry Christmas. 

Now I have no clue what that actually means, but I think it has something to do with not wondering about what if and having regrets. Blah blah blah.

I guess tonight is one of those nights where I am going to divulge more than I intended to.

I have battled depression/anxiety for the past three years.

And not many people have known. My family and a few close friends.

It started in the winter/spring of my junior year of college. I had piled on so much stuff and was really going hard at school. And I loved that. But I was getting overwhelmed with one thing after the other. I ended up having to back out on an opportunity that I didn't want to, but I knew I couldn't handle it. That was in March.

It wasn't until end of July/beginning of August that I actually did something about it. I didn't think it was depression. I am far too self-aware and logical to deal with that. I have a great life, how could I be depressed? Well there was a sobbing mess in my parent's living room that was certainly going through something. It all came to a head, because I was terrified of going to London. Terrified. And I couldn't share that with most people. They would have thought I was nuts. You get to study abroad! What an amazing experience! But I so badly didn't want to go. I had this conversation with my parents and we then set up an appointment with our family doctor and had a consultation and it was deemed best that I be put on an SSRI for anxiety. And it helped. Immensely. I don't know how I would have been able to cope with home sickness and life and stuff without it. London was the best three months of my life and I learned so much about life and theater and myself.

When I got back from London I went off the medication, because I thought that was the source of the problem. I was happy to be home with my family and then with Michael and then at school and dealing with casting week and all this stuff. But then that finished up and I had a lot of down time. And that lead to another sobbing mess sitting on my couch in Saint Louis with my parents via Skype. I went home for a restorative weekend with my parents and again we decided it would be best for me to go back on the medication. And again it helped.

Now I was weary of going on an anti-depressant. I know the stigmas attached to them. And I know that as a society we are largely over prescribed. I truly believe that...even though I have no actual proof and have read zero articles. I do believe it. This is my blog...get over it. But I found it that it was a placebo affect in away. It didn't solve my problems, but it helped me get out from under them. It allowed certain thoughts to quiet so that  I could focus on the ones that mattered.

And I stayed on them through the end of senior year, through coming out, through moving to New York. And then I couldn't afford health insurance anymore and I quit them cold turkey.

And going through the changes I was going through my first year out of college and in New York City, and dealing with an engagement and a contentious relationship with my family. I don't think I knew it at the time that, that was an issue. I just tried to cope.

And I have mostly found my way to the other side. Because I had to. I have not taken medication for well over a year.

But many days it is a battle.

When I get depressed or anxious it isn't about losing sleep and insomnia and that sort of thing. All I can seem to do is lay in bed and watch television and be entirely passive. The world outside of my room is too much to handle. In here it is safe.

And since being single and moving into a new apartment and having a new job and being super busy things have been great. But after going home and coming back here and now all of the sudden having a whole  ton of downtime, because the Public is on hiatus and dealing with the weather and the brokest time of the year I just got hit with it this week.

 I gave up on my life for the week.

And again, I am too logical and self-aware to do such things. I know I should reach out. I know if I were to text friends and said hey I am struggling with this and I need you to come over or do something they would. I know if I called my mom or my sisters they would help me through it. But that is too active for me in certain moments.

And there was a time senior year where I did reach out to two friends and they claimed to hear me and then were too busy with their own stuff to help me. And I get that. I don't expect much. I tend to assume nothing. But it makes it harder to reach out again.

And again, this isn't a reach out thing. I don't want this to be an oh pity me, text me, check in with me, because I am woefully depressed.

This is me speaking my truth. Because if I process it in this way it becomes a bit more breathable (like linen pants).

That is not to say don't reach out. I always want the people in my life to feel free to say anything to me. Even if that thing is you're a crock of shit.

The final thing that is in my mind and doesn't have a lot to do with anything...but it kind of does.

A Little Night Music is one of my favorite musicals of all time. And the finale gets me every time. Frederick has just almost killed himself in a game of Russian Roulette. His wife has left him for his son, everyone has basically gone away. Except for Desiree the woman he has jilted. I could go into this. But he is laying on the ground and she is holding him. And there is quite a bit of humor to all of this. And he says,

"Well I think I should get up and confront the world."

And I guess I agree.

"How are you?"

I have written two posts and deleted them. They just weren't any good.
I am feeling divinely uninspired. But I have also challenged myself to post every day. I didn't post on Tuesday, but that was for the reason of participating in life.

Today I have no reason not to post. I have been sitting here watching One Tree Hill on Netflix.

This week has been a big dose of February...but I am weathering it well...I think?

I guess I will briefly share the chip that I have had on my shoulder as of late. I don't want this to be a platform to vent. Because I want people to actually read this and glean good things from it. Maybe this is something that saddens me more than angers me. But often times it just makes me want to scream.

I work in the service industry. I work at a sandwich place. I don't like it, but it's a job...and that is another post for another time.

But working in the service industry can really suck a lot of days. For the past couple of days I have been taking people's orders at lunch. Say I see one hundred customers and I ask at least eighty-five of them how they are. "Hi (sir or mam), how are you today?" And so many people do not answer. They just go on with their order. I would say eighty-five percent of women will answer me and sixty-five percent of men will answer me.

I am not someone who is inclined to ask you how your day is. If I am asking you I expect an answer. I am a human being. And I am not just here to serve you. I am not invisible. I HAVE A COLLEGE DEGREE.

This is often what I want to scream at them. But I don't. I just smile curtly and take their order.

You don't even have to ask me how I am, because I am going to lie to you. But at least answer the question.

And I guess it just saddens me that we are all so wrapped up in ourselves and so into our electronics...and I hate to be "that guy" (blog title!) that says that. But especially in this city. Myself included. Me who lives with earbuds in his ears eighty percent of the time. But when did people start thinking that "How are you?" is a greeting like "hi." It's not.


So next time anyone asks you how you are answer them. That is all I ask. It takes a lot of energy for us to put ourselves at there. Or at least it takes me a lot of energy. So respect it.

This post underwhelms me. Please disregard.

A Healthy Dose of Musical Theatre Inspiration

I have briefly mentioned my love of music on here in the past. I feel we all love music, but I can't describe what it does for me/has done for me. I will give this example.

Music is a way I show love to someone. I am not a musical person...I can't sing or play an instrument. But I am almost always listening to something. Except right now...which is odd.

When my last significant other (his name was Michael as well...I know, I know...) and I started courting each other it was long distance. One of the things we did was send each other playlists. Not like love song playlists, but of music that we loved and that we thought the other would love. I remember we were talking around Valentine's Day and every year Broadwayworld.com does a post where all these big Broadway people say what their favorite musical theatre love song is. We were on the phone with each other for over an hour talking about it.

We started a tradition where every time we were away from each other we would make each other a song-a-day playlist. They were intense...we changed the names on the songs, carefully picked which song for what day, removed album art. It was a complete surprise every morning. What an amazing way to wake up! And we spent most of our relationship apart. I was in London for four months and we had a song every day. Some days more than one...once I gave him nine different versions of Maybe This Time to compare and contrast. There would be new songs we had discovered...old favorites...the most random things you could image (Judy Garland singing Flying Purple People Eater...) I miss that. It was such a big part of us.

We would also have intense discussions about specific songs or performances. All x amount of versions of In Buddy's Eyes we had. We once made an all-star Gypsy cast recording where we both chose which version we thought was the best of each song. And we would ask questions like "What is the best love loss song in musical theatre?" What is the saddest song? I would listen to a song and discover something so new about it and would immediately tell him to listen to it. My favorite find was Tyne Daly's version of Small World from Gypsy. Listen to it with headphones on and at the end you can here this completely organic, sexy as all get out, laugh. I DIED.

Now this was all intended as set up for the meat of the post. I am going to post some songs and performances and such that have really grabbed me in a way or things that I get chills listening to it every single time. I don't know if this will mean anything to anyone, but I hope it does.

My first one was a no brainer...The Last Five Years yet again!

The Next Ten Minutes - The Last Five Years 

The Next Ten Minutes is to me the most beautiful musical theatre love song. I know, it's not One Hand, One Heart or Some Enchanted Evening or whatever, but the conceit of this proposal is just incredible.


I really love the moment Cathy comes in, but what gets me every single time is at 3:40 til 3:55(ish) I want to be your wife. I want to bear your child. The combination of the lyric, the way she is singing it (the straight tone to vibrato on 'wife,') and the orchestration. It never fails to take my breath away. Music has such beauty.

When You're Home - In the Heights

This entire score is the epitome of joy...even in the sorrow. But the jubilation in this number. For me the moment at 4:15. "

That may be how you perceive it, but Nina please believe that when you find your way again you're gonna change the world and then we're all gonna brag and say we knew her when."

I can't even tell you why...it just touches me. Am I alone?

Love Who You Love - A Man of No Importance

I don't know why this video wouldn't let me directly link it...so click the link. For me it is just the entirety of this song. It rings true every time I listen to it. I will be ninety years old and will still be so touched. This musical is very under appreciated. Give it a listen. 

 Your Daddy's Son - Ragtime

There is nothing to be said here...I buried my heart in the ground. 

 They Were You - The Fantasticks

One time walking down the streets of the Upper East Side this song came on my ipod and tears sprung to my eyes. Another one of the great love songs. Because it seems like a fairy tale, but fairy tales often hold lots of truth. They traveled all over the world and experienced horrible things, and in the end they have nothing, but each other. 

 

 I Wish I Could Forget You - Passion

 Now I have known Passion in my life... I couldn't find a way into it. I heard Donna do it. I heard Patti do it. I liked moments of it. But it wasn't until I found this performance of Judy Kuhn singing I Wish I Could Forget You that I got it. She is my favorite Fosca. Her performance is so uncomplicated, so straightforward. The word I like to use is "bald." (I think that's pretty great.)  I urge anyone to get the 2013 Off-Broadway Cast Recording, because it is so complete. All this time I thought that  Loving You was the thing about this show...but it isn't. I Wish I Could Forget You is...the conceit of her singing the words she wished he felt as SHE has HIM dictate a letter to her. When she gets to "I see now I was blind." at 2:50 I think we all just get it.

 

Dulcinea (reprise)...Finale - The Man of La Mancha

This entire sequence stirs me up. From the Dulcinea reprise through to the end. Specifically with Joan Diener when she sings "won't you bring me back" she goes into her chest and I melt. The revival version was the only one I could find. To see the show live. To work on it. One of the most stirring finales of a musical ever.

At the Ballet - A Chorus Line

I have always loved this song...but I dare you to not be moved by this performance. This performance was on The Phil Donahue Show...the original Sheila, Bebe, and Maggie. Either to celebrate the closing of the show or the record breaking performance. To see the reactions of the other original cast members watching it. And Kay Cole taking it up and up and up at the end. Such a tiny woman. In the book On the Line they talk specifically about when she became attached to the show and Marvin Hamlisch taught her the song and no one expected her to know it and how it knocked everyone flat on their ass when she sang it.

 

Matchmaker - The Fiddler on the Roof

At :45, "for papa make him a scholar"  That's all. 

If Only (Quartet) - The Little Mermaid

Ignore the silly video...it was the version of the Broadway recording I could find. My best friend, Carl, loves this song and would always go on about the line Sebastian sings "I'd give my life up to make it happen." I didn't get it for a long time. But I was on the subway the other day and his entire sequence gets me. Listen to it all...but if you must jump go to 2:30. 

The Flick Knife Song (Moritat) - The Threepenny Opera

This is from a revival done at The Donmar Warehouse in London. There have been so many versions of this song...but this one truly creeps me out. And her vibrato is terrific. 

A few that I desperately wanted to post, but couldn't find the appropriate versions to link. 

Will He Like Me? - She Loves Me

 Possibly my favorite Golden Era song. There was a night in London. I was walking back to the dorm from the Tube by myself. My ipod was on shuffle. And as I walked into the park Will He Like Me? came on. And I saw so clearly in my head what the moment would look like in the film of She Loves Me and who Amalia Balash was and how she was feeling. It was, honestly, one of the most beautiful moments of my life. "God is in the details."

Waiting for the Girls Upstairs - Follies

It has to be the OBC. It all hinges on the moment when Sally Durant Plummer (played with aplomb by Dorothy Collins) sings "chattering and clattering down all of those flights." In that moment your entire body melts. LISTEN TO IT.

Saturday at the Met - Ordinary Days

I am normally not a HUGE fan of these kinds of sequences. But Adam Gwon has these stunning moments of poignancy that take my breath away. You have to listen to the entire thing for it to hit you, but at 4:15 she sings

"Why did we come here. I'll never know. It's like the colors in this painting might get lost if he came in to say hello."

There are seriously so many more I could do. But I'm not going anywhere so I am sure this will happen another time.

I am Jo March.

Not so much Jo March as in "astonishing" Jo March... or Kate Hepburn Jo March...more like Winona Rider circa 1994 movie version.

If you are into that movie or movies in general or DVD commentary (remember when that was big when it first came out) I IMPLORE you to listen to the commentary on Little Women; endlessly fascinating.

Implore might be my word of 2014.

I am getting away from myself.

Marmee says it best:

"Oh, Jo. Jo, you have so many extraordinary gifts; how can you expect to lead an ordinary life? You're ready to go out and - and find a good use for your talent."

I consider myself a humble human being...one of the good things I took away from my religious, conservative, Midwestern upbringing (one of many, though I am often reticent to admit it). But I truly believe that I am an extraordinary human being with many things to offer this world.

Then how come I am essentially working two minimum wage jobs to make ends meet?

I used to consider myself a somewhat ruthless human being. In high school and college I made it happen. If I wanted to be president of the drama club I made it happen, if I wanted to direct the fall play my senior year I did. If I wanted to be on season selection, if I wanted to assistant direct someone I pursued it single-mindedly. Opportunities were all around and I could go around gulping them up...often leaving people in my wake.

I knew what my life was going to be. Director extraordinare! Get an internship right off the bat. They were going to think I was the most brilliant thing and insist on hiring me the moment my internship was up. I would then work my way through the ranks of New York theater until I was running this town.

Well that didn't happen...not only can theaters seldom afford to hire someone anymore...I learned what I thought I wanted wasn't exactly what I wanted.

"I wish...more than anything...more than life."

And I have been lost in the woods for almost exactly a year (the amount of time since I have left my internship).

Growing up I wanted to do so many things...didn't we all? At the beginning of my senior year of high school I almost pursued a degree in political science to then become a lobbyist for gay rights. And so often we have heard...if there is anything else in this life you can do other than theatre do that instead. I knew there were so many things I could do. But I HAD to do theatre.

My senior year of college I began to realize that there is a world outside of myself, outside of Webster Groves, outside of theatre. Classes I took and experiences I had opened my eyes to such things.

In the past year I have thought about all the possibilities.

I applied for a teaching fellowship around this time last year. I would be a fantastic high school theatre teacher and I know I would find that fulfilling.

I strongly considered company management this summer...they're essentially the parents of an acting company and I could rock that shit.

Something I have contemplated all of my life is being a social worker. I know it is because of all of the episodes of Judging Amy my mother and I have watched over the years. I know that there are people all over this world, this country, this city that are stuck in shitty situations and need help. And my heart aches for those people. Truly. I see homeless people every day asking for money and if I had any to give I would. I see the same homeless man on my train almost weekly...and he shits his pants. And it breaks my heart.

And I know that theatre can affect change...at least I think I do. I know it has changed me and my friends. But does it save people? Does it help them? The greatest thing I got my father (aside from my blue eyes) is my desire to save people. I have been trying to save people all my life.

I also LOVE education. I am one of those people that could spend the rest of their lives getting degree after degree. Being in a classroom is a high I could chase my entire life.

And grad school is certainly a dream of mine. But I fear that is a remote possibility...money.

To quote Meet Me in St. Louis, "I hate loathe, despise, and abomination money."

I also spend it...

This line of thought makes me think of two plays we did at the Public this year.

There is a line from one of The Apple Family Plays (the entire series is being published in March and I IMPLORE you to read them) that has resonated with me from the moment I first heard it. It is from the third play in the series, Sorry. The youngest sister is talking about a conversation she had with her twenty-two year old son. I will be paraphrasing...

"I think my generation is a lost generation. We're working shit jobs. And when this country is done going through whatever it is we're going through they are not going to want to train us for the new jobs being created."

That scares the shit out of me.

I also recognize that working in the theatre is a unique situation.

I have been out of the game so long now that the thought of getting back into it is so completely daunting. How does one get out from under it?

This takes me to The Good Person of Szechwan by Bertolt Brecht. The other show that we did at the Public. There is a moment when the three illustrious ones have met who they deem to be the good person and they implore her to go on being a good person. And as they leave she exclaims to them:

"How can I be good when everything is so expensive?!?!"

It always got a laugh...because it resonated with everyone.

How can I possibly think about grad school and making a difference in this world...in my own life, in the life of my friends and family when I am hustling just to make rent.

I know I am one of many that stay up nights thinking about this. I have had this conversation with friends and co-workers. In the grand scheme I know that I am blessed with parents who had the ability to give me what I needed for many years and enabled me to go to college. And I have an apartment and jobs and means. Many don't.

And I know that this blog is partially about my quest for happiness and fulfillment in life. And I need to do more than ruminate about such things...but I have only been doing it for two weeks (two full weeks! woo!) and hopefully this ruminating will lead to something in the coming weeks and months. What an incredible way to hold myself accountable! Truly!

And our parents and teachers and the media has told our generation that we can do anything we put our mind to. And we have chosen to believe that...but I feel like at this point in our country's life it isn't entirely true. Not in the way we thought it was at least. And I think we are all trying to adapt to what that really means.

An entire generation is attempting to adapt. We are a generation of transition.

I think we got the fuzzy end of the lollipop.

And truly...I am not the only one that is Jo March. You are Jo March...I firmly believe that we can all be Jo March...like Sarah Crewe says about all little girls being princesses. (I am mixing my adolescent female literature and I don't care.)

I will leave you with the end of the quote from Marmee.

"Go, and embrace your liberty. And see what wonderful things come of it."

Susan Sarandon, I intend to do just that.

(ALSO - most nights when I am posting I listen to what I call my "Winding Down Mix" It really works for me and if anyone wants a copy I would be all too eager to send you a copy.)

As we stumble along...

For the past two days I have been off work. I was supposed to have two catering events that were cancelled, but it's okay because I still got paid!

I am still an avid user of StumbleUpon. It is a great source of inspiration. Yes, I know that inspiration is best found in the world. I have already posted about that. But if I want to lay in bed all day and be inspired this is my go to.

Today I thought I would share some things that really stuck out to me! Some inspiring for life...some yummy...some creatively inspiring. 

How to Change Your Life: A User's Guide

- If this blog is about finding happiness I find this a great addition. I find a lot of these blog posts silly, but this is simple. So often we want to change our lives and we just get daunted. But daily changes! That's the secret! 

Strawberry Cream Cheese Bread

- This bread just looks yummy and a win for me is a recipe that has few ingredients I have to actually purchase. I may try to make this net weekend! 

How to Approach Anyone

- I am TERRIBLE at approaching people. I get anxiety. And after being hit on in a bar on Friday night I realized this may be useful. And since I have gotten rid of any and all online/app based dating profiles. 

30 Day Cold Shower Challenge

- I was lead to this from the last article and I am truly going to do this. Because it costs nothing and he truly persuaded me! Tomorrow morning! 

13 Things I Found on the Internet

-I just love this random and interesting stuff. 

Preserved Moments of Historical Sass

-I love the definition of sass. It just makes sense for my life.

Now this wasn't a post for laziness. I truly hope at least one person that reads it (even if that person is me) will have their life enriched by my findings! 

Good grief

Tonight I am going to explore a question or theme that has plagued me for years...not so much plagued I guess as given me reason for pause.

I watched Rabbit Hole tonight. Possibly my favorite play. From the moment I read the first scene the summer before I started college I was hooked.

Watching it tonight lead me to think about why I love the plays I love and want to direct the pieces I want to direct. So many of them have to do with grief.

Dinner with Friends
Love! Valour! Compassion!
Angels in America
The Normal Heart
Next Fall
Lips Together, Teeth Apart
Other Desert Cities

Yeah...a lot of these are gay themed, but I already know why I am drawn to that type of piece.

My favorite movies and television shows are sad...overwhelmingly.

Why?

Growing up in the church I was confronted with grief more often than most. I remember in college when I realized that a lot of people haven't been to as many funerals in their life as I have.

Maybe its because of the sadness I have experienced in life...(here he goes again, lamenting the hand he has been dealt!) I have just always been sensitive to sadness.

Maybe it just goes back to all of those viewings of My Girl as a little kid.

But in my quest for happiness (which is what I said this was all about) I must consider what sadness has to do with it.

I think my sensitivity to sadness is just something in me...that has always been there. I certainly don't see it as a bad thing... I think I possess the gift of compassion and empathy for this very reason.

And in moments of grief and sadness the beauty comes from finding out that you aren't alone. It is universal. Whether it is death of a loved one, a life we lived, a friendship, the ideals we once held onto ferociously, I think we have all experienced profound loss.

And yet each moment is so uniquely our own experience. We all handle things differently, and maybe that's it? Maybe I am trying to figure out how best to deal and plays and musicals and movies and the people that create them are giving me different solutions. That sounds oddly specific and a little bizarre...but I can be oddly specific and a little bizarre.

But maybe it really is just all of those viewings of My Girl...and My Girl 2. That shit is sad.

Anyone can whistle...well no one can say I didn't try.

I missed my blog entry for the 31st. And I think this was actually a good thing.

I am not, by nature, a participator in life. It has never really been me. I do, but not instinctively. It could be related to my introverted tendencies or many other things.

I would rather be at home sitting on the couch watching television. Living my life from there. That is what often has made me the most happy. But then I miss out...and I also don't grow.

My professor in college, Doug, did his best to work that out of me. I don't participate for fear of the unknown. And he knew this about me from the moment we met or I interviewed. Thank the Lord above that he had the foresight to let me into his program.

I had a hard time my freshman year as an actor...which is all about participating. And even just acclimating to college life. Making friends, feeling secure, all of that important stuff. I didn't want to go out to the parties so I stayed in and made friends in the dorm. And I am beyond grateful to call those people my friends still.

But one must put themselves out there.

I was a photographer for a lot of my life; the moment digital cameras became a thing. You can see all through Facebook. I almost considered going to school for it. I was passionate. But then, in my sophomore year of college, when I finally took a legit photo class and amongst other things in my life I realized that photography kept me safe from putting myself out there. So I pretty abruptly stopped. Again... I am sure this could all be chronicled on Facebook.

The summer before I went to London I was so completely terrified. I didn't want to go. I wanted to stay in Skippy Groves where I knew exactly what life would look like; with my friends and driving distance of my family. But I was required to go. And after many tears and stressful nights I found myself in London; a classic cold, wet, rainy morning. I was with ten(ish) people who were on the same flight together and I got us to Regent's College. It was my willingness to ask a stranger a question (perish the thought!) And they saw me as that person from then on. Even though I wasn't. And I made friends and we went to Rome and we figured things out. And I traveled throughout England by my lonesome and pursued the things I wanted instead of staying in my dorm room skyping with my boyfriend or watching old episodes of Friends...which I also did.

And then school ended and I moved to New York very quickly after...another none Michael thing. But then for the first ten plus months of being here I went back inside my shell. I laid in my bed, I watched television, I did not explore the world literally outside of my door. And that caused a lot of problems in different areas of my life. Then circumstances changed and I was alone and I had to make things happen for ME and I have. And I love this city more than when I got here.

This post ended up being different than I thought it was. I thought it was going to be me urging myself to live my life outside.

But I guess I do that more often than not. And when I am inside it is because I need to be.

But inside of me there is often a rigidness that I need to let go of. There is a song by a new musical theatre writer called Letting my Shoulders Down...it fits me well.

I have also been blessed with friends who are participators and understand that I need coaxing and rather than leaving me in the dust they bring me out.

Which is how last night I saw a terrible play, was then taken to a gay coyote ugly type bar (a place I would NEVER find myself...but immensely enjoyed), and then seeing Gravity in IMAX and being potentially confused for two straight men and were asked to get drinks...which we didn't (limits). Not a crazy night by many people's standards...but this is for me, not them.

But I am laying in bed writing this...after getting up at 2pm. And all I have to say is...no regrets.

2014 HAS OFFICIALLY BEGUN BITCHES!