I wanna know how to get through, throught to something new, something of my own.

Do you ever set a goal for yourself and put an intense pressure on yourself to stick to it every day? So much so that you end up making yourself feel TERRIBLE for slipping.

I have made myself this goal of posting every day for a month, as I have mentioned.

And today I am so dog tired. This has just been a WEEK, you know?

But so much of my goals of the year are about showing grace to myself. Hopefully not crossing the line into going too easy on myself.

I also feel like when I started this blog I was working so much out in my life and divulging so much and it was interesting and fascinating and people were really responding. Because, who wouldn't? I'm so humble. But now that things are working out my posts are less interesting.

I guess I need to take this to the next level. If I want to be a writer I guess I have to really work at it, huh?

But I don't want this to be a blog about my white boy problems...which sometimes it is, but that's fine, because this is for ME.

Part of being an adult I have mentioned is being accountable to no one, but yourself. Which sounds awesome at points. But then, you have to be accountable to yourself! And that shit is hard.

I have started going back to a piece that I wrote over the entirety of my college career. And I even showed it to TWO people. And that is a big deal. I guess I need to show it to more, but I assume no one cares. And I am too sensitive to let other people read it. But I want to go further. I want to put it out there. As opposed to other opportunities that I don't want to take, because I don't want it badly enough.

I have no idea if that makes any sense...

I guess I can blame it on the Benadryl.

Maybe forcing myself to post every day will exhaust all of the boring-ness and will make me search for the wealth of experiences I have to share.

Growing up in a conservative, Midwestern community with a Conservative father who is a minister has always been something for me. But I don't want it to be that cliche thing where so many people are like, "Oh a preacher's kid...I hear you guys are always the worst...blah blah blah." Ew. Aside from the whole gay thing...I would say I am rather square. Just ask most of my friends.

None of this is probably interesting to anyone but me, but I am working it all out so get over it.

Now I think it is time to start watching Ugly Betty from the beginning for the fourth time...

Growing Up

I told myself a post a day! And I haven't gone to bed yet so it is still the 2nd for me. It is after 1:30 in the morning. I have to work at 9:30 and I took a cab. WHO AM I?!?! (24601? Anyone? ANYONE?)

Tonight felt like a benchmark of sorts. Being with a friend who means the world to me, who I haven't seen in over a year. I think about what we talked about when last we met. And it wasn't good! Things were BAD!

And a sign of a good friend is someone who you can talk to out of the context in which you know them. Yes, I will always hold a grudge that she abandoned me to live in the city of angels as opposed to this concrete jungle where dreams are made.

Again, guys, COMMUNITY COMMUNITY COMMUNITY. That is really what Sondheim and Lapine were writing about in Into the Woods and I certainly think J.K. Rowling was writing about it a LOT in this little series you may have heard of called Harry Potter.

It is vital. And to also realize that our dreams have changed and evolved, because we have changed and evolved. It's a powerful thing. It kind of takes my breath away.

Bottom line: we're all trying to do our best to find our ideal version of happiness.

My April Happiness Awareness

So I guess it has been exactly one month since I last posted. Which is actually quite interesting.

April made for a lot of awarenesses. I let my ruthless pursuit of happiness fall off a bit. Just busy and distracted by new people and new events and LIFE.

It has brought to my attention a new "thing" about happiness. I have talked to a few people about it and now I will share it with you.

There was a week plus where I sort of leaned into my unhealthy habits (i.e. lots of soda, candy, fast food, I even got McDonalds!) And I found all of those things yummy and satisfying. But I was disappointed in myself. I had also let go of my morning routine of waking up with ample time to eat and have a moment and fully greet the day.

Now I am back on the wagon, so to speak. And I truly feel happier. Withholding is a powerful thing. It's a fine line. I give in to soda, because I love it and it is delish, but then feel guilty. I stick to water for 6 out of 7 days a week and on that 7th day when I have soda it intensifies my level of happiness in regards to drinking the soda. Is it worth it? I'm not sure honestly. I was talking to my dear friend, Tessa. And we both seemed to think that no one really has it right when it comes to this quest for happiness. We all have our ways.

And instagramming 100 days of happy has made me so aware of this. If  I wasn't doing that I wonder if I would have noticed. And there was a slew of days where it was the end of the day and I hadn't taken a pic of something that made me happy so I would just make it work. Rather than seeking out that photo opportunity. So now I am back to plunging the depths of my happiness and actually pursuing it. And yesterday I had TWO photos. And there was a third one I could have had!

So why have I gotten back to blogging? asked no one...

Because I need to keep on this path. I think it'll lead somewhere. So for the month of May at least I am going to post every day! You guys will get sick of me!

Also, I am attempting a 30 day cold shower challenge. Stay tuned.