My Declaration of Indepdence

What is a blog for if not for bold declarations?

First...some context.

I moved to New York City a little over two years ago; June 20th, 2012. I had an internship at an off Broadway theater. I foolishly assumed that getting a job would be no problem whatsoever.

Ha.

For the first few months of living in the city I had no consistent income. I got a job with a catering company, but that work was few and far between. I was applying for jobs like crazy. But I had no terrifically marketable survival job skills. I worked in a library for three months in high school. I worked for a grocery store for a little over a year (Hy-Vee; where there's a helpful smile in every aisle), and I worked for a daycare for a summer. Oh and landscaping for a summer, but that is definitely another story for another time.

And I could only work evenings and weekends. I wouldn't even wanna hire me. And I know how competent I am!

So September had come and I was broke as a joke and my fiance (ugh) was over helping me out. I was over having him help me out too. I was on Craigslist and Potbelly Sandwich Works was doing an open call one afternoon. I knew pretty much nothing about them. But I figured why not go to the open call. I go. I interview. I dazzle them with my college degree and my white skin (it is terrible to say that...but let us call a spade a spade). They hired me on the spot...which I have since learned is not something they normally do. I was going to be working at their location on 5th avenue and 35th street.

I went for my orientation/store meeting and I knew that this was a mistake. But money was money. And I took the job. And I worked nights and weekends. And I don't think I ever cried, but there were days where I would be there and think, "I have to get out of here. I can't be here. This is beneath me. This is a job I could have gotten in high school." I washed dishes for hours and hours and hours. I smelled TERRIBLE.

My internship came and gone and I was still there. Other associates left and new ones came. And I was still there. I moved up in the ranks. They loved me. I had a brain in my head and new how to work my ass off. They certified me as a trainer.

This entire time I was incredibly embarrassed to tell people where I worked. I would always deflect or lie or be absurdly vague or just make it seem better than it actually was.

I thought it was me. I thought...they were giving me money and I needed to be grateful. They thought I was worthwhile and that is worthwhile in itself. I worked hard to become okay with it. I got along well with my co-workers. Incredibly well...they find my sass and my patience to be...interesting?

Through this job I made one of the best friends I will ever have in my life even. That is irreplaceable.

Last summer it even got to the point where upper management was talking to me about becoming a shift supervisor. And I considered it.

I tried to get out of this job often. I would go through periods where I would apply for all sorts of jobs. I got super close a couple of times. But always ended up not getting it.

When I was on dating applications (OkCupid, Tinder...blah blah BLAH)  I would lie. I would pretend that job didn't exist. I was that embarrassed. I spent thousands of dollars on a college degree for THIS?

What is all of this leading to you ask?

Last week I was lead to a decision. Things have evolved over the last two years at Potbelly. I surely didn't think I was going to be coming up on my two year anniversary. (I must state that I believe in the company and their product. I think their sammies are delish.)

But I am better than that.

Gretchen Rubin says, "What I do every day matters more than what I do once in awhile."

So as of October 1st I will no longer be a member of the team at Potbelly at 35th and 5th.

I am going to work my butt off in the next month plus to get a new job. But regardless...I will not be there anymore.

I can't live a reactive life. I have to be proactive. I have the Public which is not going anywhere. My catering company loves me. Surely a person doesn't need THREE jobs.

I am nervous/scared. But I am excited and relieved. The moment I made the decision in my head I knew it was the right one.

If you're afraid to leap...if you're afraid of change...you are a lot like me. But I urge you...MAKE A CHANGE.

You won't regret it.

Below is my unofficial declaration. This blog entry is my official one. (Also, what are friends for if not taking a screen shot of auspicious moments in our every changing lives?)

The Ramblings of a Lunatic.

I feel like I should be writing something.

I feel like I only take to this when things aren't great. And I don't want anyone to see this and think bitch bitch bitch moan moan moan. But whatever.

You could also read this and think, why doesn't he just keep it to himself? Good question. Don't read it then.

I have been kinda silent for a couple of months...because I had a boyfriend and was out "living my life."

But that went away four weeks ago.

And I am still the awesome human being that I have begun to become in 2014.

I have written on here about chronic loneliness that I suffer...and how it can be compounded by living in New York City; add to it that my roommates are always gone. And then add to that more downtime than I am used to. And it is a recipe for...something. A blog post?

I don't want to be in another relationship right now. I don't just men at this point really. And I am a fuckin' prize and intend to wait.

And I have great friends. And they have been revealed in recent weeks; near and far.

And you would think that once you battle loneliness ten times you get better at fighting it. But sometimes you don't. Sometimes you just lean into it.

I am sure there are self-help books about loneliness...and I am certain they all SUCK. I don't intend to write a book about it that doesn't suck, because it would inevitably suck as well.

So often this year when this happens I think it is because I don't like being alone with myself in a way. As in, I don't love the person I am. I mean, I am awesome. But I know I could be better. I know there are things that I could be doing to make life better. Things I could be working towards. I actually have things in my life that I believe really passionately about; a theatrical writing project, a website/blog/idea for cultural curration (talk to me about it), producing a cabaret. I know I should be applying for jobs.

I know I can't live my life like this forever. I know I need to do something to jump start who I am going to be and what I am going to do. In the past I have thought certain things were going to be what was going to define me for the rest of my life. And they clearly changed. Is impermanence going to be the thing I'm know for? Because if so...I will just end it all now. I WON'T. But...hyperbole.

I am making decent money. I have amazing friends. All three of my jobs seem to think quite highly of me and deem me valuable. Which is valuable to me.

And every time I write on here I see me me me me I I I I I. I'm sure that is what my father would say if he read this.

There is a Little Women quote that comes to mind...but it eludes me at this point.

Actually, as I sit here thinking my mind took me to a Beth quote from the movie. About not liking being left behind. AMEN SISTER FRIEND.

Also, it is hard to just text a friend be like HEY I'M LONELY HELP ME.

Really what all of this is coming down to is that I should never let myself have this much time off two days in a row. Even if I am exhausted. Or that being a homebody isn't always the best.

But hey...yesterday I went to five H&Ms in the span of an hour so don't say I don't have goals!