So Far Away...

Hello old friend...

I have been meaning to check in, but things have been busy (always the ups and downs). I have had some ideas in mind about what to write, but just haven't committed.

And tonight is about none of those thoughts.

And I don't want this to be about my sad life and to share my burdens with the world sort of thing.

And I have already been down this road via my blog...

This quest for happiness has been great...and again its ups and downs. Such is life.

Today/this evening my family got some more bad news about Lainey. Very little is known right now, but it is just another straw to add to the camels back.

And I hate being here when they're dealing with shit there. And I know that I wouldn't necessarily be doing anything if I were there, because nothing is to be done.

BUT I WANT TO BE COMFORTED TOO.

And I know this isn't about me...this is about her and Kristine and Jonny. But this stinks.

And another thing is that I know they will read this and they will think "why don't you just come home? why don't you just move closer?"

Because they are my family and they love me and they miss me and i love and miss them.

So often as of late I think of Carole King's words.

"So far away. Doesn't anybody stay in one place anymore?"

The song is not remotely about my situation at all, but whatever.

I can't fully explain to them why I am here instead of there. I can't explain it to myself. But I am here and I intend to stay here until something takes me away.

A downside...or an awareness of this happiness journey I am on is that I am now acutely aware of when I am unhappy. And I want to satisfy it in a satisfying way. I want to be with friends or have that comfort. Physical comfort.

And I am so bad at reaching out. The way I receive love is through time spent. And in these moments I don't reach out, because I know my friends have lives and can't drop everything. And I know the response will be...I am always here for you...blah blah blah sort of thing. And I will truly appreciate it. But can't you all just intuit that I am struggling and show up with a bottle of pinot grigio? IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?

But I digress...

Also...this 100 days of happy on Instagram makes me acutely aware of my patterns of happiness. What makes me happy throughout my days and weeks. And it's the little things.

But sometimes I want it to be the big things. I want a significant other to be there for me. I want a roommate that is a close friend not just roommates (my roomates are bitchin' don't get me wrong) but we all have our own lives.

I guess I am craving community as well. And I have it. In spades, in my life. And more than I have in awhile and it is amazing.

But this city can be so painfully lonely.

Also, I am not one to make things about me. I'm just not.

I know...this blog is about me. But at work I am not going to be sitting there talking to my co-workers and friends and be like...hey I just got this shitty news and I am mad about it and I am sad and I don't wanna be here, so help me make it better.

This post is rambling and there is not satisfying end I would say.

But Cristin Milioti is singing La Vie En Rose and it makes things better...

And Dominos just arrived.

It is going to make me sick probably, but at this point I don't care.