I have definitely dropped the ball on this one...and I am sure so many people out there in the interweb (on the interweb?) have started many a blog post with that line.
Also, I have taken to calling it the interweb, because Judi Dench calls it that in The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel...and I figure why not.
I was doing so great on my happiness journey. Because things were easy...everything was going my way.
But life intervenes. And I get pulled under.
And this one really has little to do with me getting in my own way...I think.
In high school and college I battled a myriad of stomach issues. My junior year of high school I had my gall bladder out, which is something that happens when you're sixty, not sixteen. And that was a battle. I lost like twenty-five pounds and spend the next two to three years getting sick...a lot. And it wasn't fun. And I had lots of tests and such and no one ever had anything to say...which is aggravating. In the past few years it has really just been stress and anxiety induced. But over the past two weeks or so I have been getting really sick. And I am not going to get too deep into it, because I have my limits. But I woke up Monday morning and it all just sucked so I called my mom, because...when things suck you call your mom. And so this week has been filled with a lot of bland food...no dairy and very little acid...and it makes me realize just how much dairy and acid I ingest every week.
And I don't know if my sickness had anything to do with this feeling...but on top of that I was walking to work on Monday with the feeling that I couldn't believe I was going there. I couldn't believe that I have been working at this job that doesn't make me happy...that pays me very little...that I could have gotten when I was in high school...that I could give 50 % and it would still be better than anyone else. And that is not to say I am arrogant...it is quite simply the truth. I mean...I moved to this city to make my dreams come true...to fall in love...to create a life...to fulfill my destiny and all of that STUFF. And here I am doing nothing to make my dreams come true...because I DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY ARE.
I don't. So I just do what I do every day.
I am happy to be in this city, in this neighborhood, with this community. I have never been so grateful for the amazing friends I have.
But I also talk to my sisters tonight and miss them terribly and wish I was sitting on Kristine's bed having this conversation with her as opposed to sitting on separate beds over a thousand miles away from each other.
I tell myself I am Jo March. And I believe it. So firmly. But I also believe that there were times that Jo March didn't want to be Jo March...that was often the point. Maybe if she was Meg who was contented to live in a house with a husband and children and have that life...or if she was Amy who was a brilliant painter and traveling Europe and falling in love with Laurie...or Beth who was so contented with her life.
I know I said that I was a Winona Ryder Jo March...but some days I just think that I want to be astonishing. And I just can't get there...
It's so far away (cue Carole King).
This week was one of those weeks where I wanted to give my notice and move to San Francisco...and live some kind of Moon River type life.
I have made so many references in this post is is verging on the absurd.
This is probably a bummer post for a Friday night...but it is where I am. And this is all for me. Not you.
Here is another reference...I wanna find my way back to then.
Now I am going to eat some macaroni and cheese...even though I will suffer the consequences. And as the popular phrase goes...You Only Live Once.
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