The Ramblings of a Lunatic.

I feel like I should be writing something.

I feel like I only take to this when things aren't great. And I don't want anyone to see this and think bitch bitch bitch moan moan moan. But whatever.

You could also read this and think, why doesn't he just keep it to himself? Good question. Don't read it then.

I have been kinda silent for a couple of months...because I had a boyfriend and was out "living my life."

But that went away four weeks ago.

And I am still the awesome human being that I have begun to become in 2014.

I have written on here about chronic loneliness that I suffer...and how it can be compounded by living in New York City; add to it that my roommates are always gone. And then add to that more downtime than I am used to. And it is a recipe for...something. A blog post?

I don't want to be in another relationship right now. I don't just men at this point really. And I am a fuckin' prize and intend to wait.

And I have great friends. And they have been revealed in recent weeks; near and far.

And you would think that once you battle loneliness ten times you get better at fighting it. But sometimes you don't. Sometimes you just lean into it.

I am sure there are self-help books about loneliness...and I am certain they all SUCK. I don't intend to write a book about it that doesn't suck, because it would inevitably suck as well.

So often this year when this happens I think it is because I don't like being alone with myself in a way. As in, I don't love the person I am. I mean, I am awesome. But I know I could be better. I know there are things that I could be doing to make life better. Things I could be working towards. I actually have things in my life that I believe really passionately about; a theatrical writing project, a website/blog/idea for cultural curration (talk to me about it), producing a cabaret. I know I should be applying for jobs.

I know I can't live my life like this forever. I know I need to do something to jump start who I am going to be and what I am going to do. In the past I have thought certain things were going to be what was going to define me for the rest of my life. And they clearly changed. Is impermanence going to be the thing I'm know for? Because if so...I will just end it all now. I WON'T. But...hyperbole.

I am making decent money. I have amazing friends. All three of my jobs seem to think quite highly of me and deem me valuable. Which is valuable to me.

And every time I write on here I see me me me me I I I I I. I'm sure that is what my father would say if he read this.

There is a Little Women quote that comes to mind...but it eludes me at this point.

Actually, as I sit here thinking my mind took me to a Beth quote from the movie. About not liking being left behind. AMEN SISTER FRIEND.

Also, it is hard to just text a friend be like HEY I'M LONELY HELP ME.

Really what all of this is coming down to is that I should never let myself have this much time off two days in a row. Even if I am exhausted. Or that being a homebody isn't always the best.

But hey...yesterday I went to five H&Ms in the span of an hour so don't say I don't have goals!