I am not, by nature, a participator in life. It has never really been me. I do, but not instinctively. It could be related to my introverted tendencies or many other things.
I would rather be at home sitting on the couch watching television. Living my life from there. That is what often has made me the most happy. But then I miss out...and I also don't grow.
My professor in college, Doug, did his best to work that out of me. I don't participate for fear of the unknown. And he knew this about me from the moment we met or I interviewed. Thank the Lord above that he had the foresight to let me into his program.
I had a hard time my freshman year as an actor...which is all about participating. And even just acclimating to college life. Making friends, feeling secure, all of that important stuff. I didn't want to go out to the parties so I stayed in and made friends in the dorm. And I am beyond grateful to call those people my friends still.
But one must put themselves out there.
I was a photographer for a lot of my life; the moment digital cameras became a thing. You can see all through Facebook. I almost considered going to school for it. I was passionate. But then, in my sophomore year of college, when I finally took a legit photo class and amongst other things in my life I realized that photography kept me safe from putting myself out there. So I pretty abruptly stopped. Again... I am sure this could all be chronicled on Facebook.
The summer before I went to London I was so completely terrified. I didn't want to go. I wanted to stay in Skippy Groves where I knew exactly what life would look like; with my friends and driving distance of my family. But I was required to go. And after many tears and stressful nights I found myself in London; a classic cold, wet, rainy morning. I was with ten(ish) people who were on the same flight together and I got us to Regent's College. It was my willingness to ask a stranger a question (perish the thought!) And they saw me as that person from then on. Even though I wasn't. And I made friends and we went to Rome and we figured things out. And I traveled throughout England by my lonesome and pursued the things I wanted instead of staying in my dorm room skyping with my boyfriend or watching old episodes of Friends...which I also did.
And then school ended and I moved to New York very quickly after...another none Michael thing. But then for the first ten plus months of being here I went back inside my shell. I laid in my bed, I watched television, I did not explore the world literally outside of my door. And that caused a lot of problems in different areas of my life. Then circumstances changed and I was alone and I had to make things happen for ME and I have. And I love this city more than when I got here.
This post ended up being different than I thought it was. I thought it was going to be me urging myself to live my life outside.
But I guess I do that more often than not. And when I am inside it is because I need to be.
But inside of me there is often a rigidness that I need to let go of. There is a song by a new musical theatre writer called Letting my Shoulders Down...it fits me well.
I have also been blessed with friends who are participators and understand that I need coaxing and rather than leaving me in the dust they bring me out.
Which is how last night I saw a terrible play, was then taken to a gay coyote ugly type bar (a place I would NEVER find myself...but immensely enjoyed), and then seeing Gravity in IMAX and being potentially confused for two straight men and were asked to get drinks...which we didn't (limits). Not a crazy night by many people's standards...but this is for me, not them.
But I am laying in bed writing this...after getting up at 2pm. And all I have to say is...no regrets.
2014 HAS OFFICIALLY BEGUN BITCHES!
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