Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller

Tonight on the hour long subway ride from Astoria to Crown Heights, Brooklyn I started reading Blue Like Jazz.

It is a book I had been vaguely aware of...I remember being at a conference in Chicago my junior year of high school where the writer was speaking. I don't remember what he said or anything.

I remember reading the back of the book at said conference and being vaguely interested.

When I was home at Christmas my sister had the book on her shelf and on instinct I took it. And set it on my shelf here with the vague intention of reading.

I have a lot of vague feelings apparently... (Apparently I have a lot of vague feelings?)

ANYWAY...

There was a gentleman friend that I was spending a lot of time with around this time. And he had just read it and felt very strongly about it. He and I spent a lot of quality time together from beginning of December through end of February. Neither of us are in the proper place to take care of someone else (me, let alone myself).

I found him to be a Godly man. Which you seldom encounter in this city. This city, to the naked eye, seems completely devoid of God. You can argue with me on that point if you wish. I encourage it actually! But finding a Godly man was/is refreshing.

Now in my generation and in the theatre, and in this city I feel like talking about God and a personal relationship with him is very much not a thing. And it wasn't until I came to this city that I was aware that he might be something I need in my life. Feeling the way I have felt at certain points I just felt like there had to be someone else that could take some of it for me. And if what I remember from my upbringing is correct...God is that place.

Now I could go very deep into things right now, but that isn't entirely necessary.

Thinking about God is inextricably linked to my relationship with my father, him being a minister and all. And sadly the animosity I feel there gets in the way of dealing with God as well. (Add it to the list...)

I have been in a reading rut for the past week and knowing I had an hour long subway ride I put that book in my bag...I think because it is the only book on my shelf that I haven't read yet.

I cracked it open and am about sixty pages in. And I am very resistant. All of that anger that I have been used to for the past six (plus) years is so incredibly present. But some things just really jumped out to me that I wanted to put here.

The first is what this girl has to say about believing in God and being a Christian. She is from Atlanta and everyone in her family is very much a believer. She claims to be an Atheist. But recently she has been feeling God's presence. 

"I can't get there. I can't just say it without meaning it. I can't do it. It would be like, say, trying to fall in love with somebody, or trying to convince yourself that your favorite food is pancakes. You don't decide those things, they just happen to you. If God is real, He needs to happen to me." 

That is something I have been trying to communicate to my dad for YEARS and there it was right in front of me. Something I probably couldn't even explain to myself. 

And the second is something that is even a bit more universal. If this blog is about a quest for happiness...and 2014 and my life itself (my super objective for all you actor types...).

"I don't think, however, there are many people who can stay happy for long periods of time. Joy is a temporal thing. Its brief capacity, as reference, gives it its pleasure." 

That just really hits the nail on the head for me. How can I feel so bad that I don't have joy in my life at this moment? It all just means that when it reappears I will feel it that much more intensely.

(The syntax in that last sentence is off, but its after 1 AM so I hope we can all let it fly.)