I am Jo March.

Not so much Jo March as in "astonishing" Jo March... or Kate Hepburn Jo March...more like Winona Rider circa 1994 movie version.

If you are into that movie or movies in general or DVD commentary (remember when that was big when it first came out) I IMPLORE you to listen to the commentary on Little Women; endlessly fascinating.

Implore might be my word of 2014.

I am getting away from myself.

Marmee says it best:

"Oh, Jo. Jo, you have so many extraordinary gifts; how can you expect to lead an ordinary life? You're ready to go out and - and find a good use for your talent."

I consider myself a humble human being...one of the good things I took away from my religious, conservative, Midwestern upbringing (one of many, though I am often reticent to admit it). But I truly believe that I am an extraordinary human being with many things to offer this world.

Then how come I am essentially working two minimum wage jobs to make ends meet?

I used to consider myself a somewhat ruthless human being. In high school and college I made it happen. If I wanted to be president of the drama club I made it happen, if I wanted to direct the fall play my senior year I did. If I wanted to be on season selection, if I wanted to assistant direct someone I pursued it single-mindedly. Opportunities were all around and I could go around gulping them up...often leaving people in my wake.

I knew what my life was going to be. Director extraordinare! Get an internship right off the bat. They were going to think I was the most brilliant thing and insist on hiring me the moment my internship was up. I would then work my way through the ranks of New York theater until I was running this town.

Well that didn't happen...not only can theaters seldom afford to hire someone anymore...I learned what I thought I wanted wasn't exactly what I wanted.

"I wish...more than anything...more than life."

And I have been lost in the woods for almost exactly a year (the amount of time since I have left my internship).

Growing up I wanted to do so many things...didn't we all? At the beginning of my senior year of high school I almost pursued a degree in political science to then become a lobbyist for gay rights. And so often we have heard...if there is anything else in this life you can do other than theatre do that instead. I knew there were so many things I could do. But I HAD to do theatre.

My senior year of college I began to realize that there is a world outside of myself, outside of Webster Groves, outside of theatre. Classes I took and experiences I had opened my eyes to such things.

In the past year I have thought about all the possibilities.

I applied for a teaching fellowship around this time last year. I would be a fantastic high school theatre teacher and I know I would find that fulfilling.

I strongly considered company management this summer...they're essentially the parents of an acting company and I could rock that shit.

Something I have contemplated all of my life is being a social worker. I know it is because of all of the episodes of Judging Amy my mother and I have watched over the years. I know that there are people all over this world, this country, this city that are stuck in shitty situations and need help. And my heart aches for those people. Truly. I see homeless people every day asking for money and if I had any to give I would. I see the same homeless man on my train almost weekly...and he shits his pants. And it breaks my heart.

And I know that theatre can affect change...at least I think I do. I know it has changed me and my friends. But does it save people? Does it help them? The greatest thing I got my father (aside from my blue eyes) is my desire to save people. I have been trying to save people all my life.

I also LOVE education. I am one of those people that could spend the rest of their lives getting degree after degree. Being in a classroom is a high I could chase my entire life.

And grad school is certainly a dream of mine. But I fear that is a remote possibility...money.

To quote Meet Me in St. Louis, "I hate loathe, despise, and abomination money."

I also spend it...

This line of thought makes me think of two plays we did at the Public this year.

There is a line from one of The Apple Family Plays (the entire series is being published in March and I IMPLORE you to read them) that has resonated with me from the moment I first heard it. It is from the third play in the series, Sorry. The youngest sister is talking about a conversation she had with her twenty-two year old son. I will be paraphrasing...

"I think my generation is a lost generation. We're working shit jobs. And when this country is done going through whatever it is we're going through they are not going to want to train us for the new jobs being created."

That scares the shit out of me.

I also recognize that working in the theatre is a unique situation.

I have been out of the game so long now that the thought of getting back into it is so completely daunting. How does one get out from under it?

This takes me to The Good Person of Szechwan by Bertolt Brecht. The other show that we did at the Public. There is a moment when the three illustrious ones have met who they deem to be the good person and they implore her to go on being a good person. And as they leave she exclaims to them:

"How can I be good when everything is so expensive?!?!"

It always got a laugh...because it resonated with everyone.

How can I possibly think about grad school and making a difference in this world...in my own life, in the life of my friends and family when I am hustling just to make rent.

I know I am one of many that stay up nights thinking about this. I have had this conversation with friends and co-workers. In the grand scheme I know that I am blessed with parents who had the ability to give me what I needed for many years and enabled me to go to college. And I have an apartment and jobs and means. Many don't.

And I know that this blog is partially about my quest for happiness and fulfillment in life. And I need to do more than ruminate about such things...but I have only been doing it for two weeks (two full weeks! woo!) and hopefully this ruminating will lead to something in the coming weeks and months. What an incredible way to hold myself accountable! Truly!

And our parents and teachers and the media has told our generation that we can do anything we put our mind to. And we have chosen to believe that...but I feel like at this point in our country's life it isn't entirely true. Not in the way we thought it was at least. And I think we are all trying to adapt to what that really means.

An entire generation is attempting to adapt. We are a generation of transition.

I think we got the fuzzy end of the lollipop.

And truly...I am not the only one that is Jo March. You are Jo March...I firmly believe that we can all be Jo March...like Sarah Crewe says about all little girls being princesses. (I am mixing my adolescent female literature and I don't care.)

I will leave you with the end of the quote from Marmee.

"Go, and embrace your liberty. And see what wonderful things come of it."

Susan Sarandon, I intend to do just that.

(ALSO - most nights when I am posting I listen to what I call my "Winding Down Mix" It really works for me and if anyone wants a copy I would be all too eager to send you a copy.)