This week I started reading The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin. Now a lot of people might find these types of books silly or whatever...but I am a searcher. Eat Pray Love is one of my favorites and this is very Eat Pray Love esque (sans Julia Roberts).
And Gretchen wasn't as lost as Liz Gilbert. She knew she was happy with her husband, her two kids, her writing career and her New York City life, but she also knew that life is short and she should maximize her happiness. She decided to dedicate a year to happiness. Each month spent on a different virtue.
Now I read the first chapter sans pen and paper so I didn't take notes (I am going to go back and do that.) So this post is going to be about chapter two Remember Love (focusing on her marriage...and just relationships in general).
I don't want to take anyone's reading experience away from them, because I HIGHLY suggest this book. I just wanted to share some pertinent thoughts.
For each month she chooses a general theme and then four or five different bullet points to focus on.
Don't Expect Praise or Appreciation
This one is BIG for me. I have lived my life busting my ass to do a good job (unless it related to math or science). I work at a job here in the city that I really don't like, but I still give it as much as I can. And it is all because I crave that validation from other people. And I have craved that from significant others. And one thing I have been working on this year is letting that shit go. She talks about how she craves "gold stars" in her life. One sentence that I read that seems so simple really struck a chord with me. She is quoting a friend's parents.
"They always said that you have to do that kind of work for yourself (nagging chores, etc.) If you do it for other people, you end up wanting them to acknowledge it and to be grateful and to give you credit. If you do it for yourself, you don't expect other people to react in a particular way."
I would say that I often do tasks for others, but with selfish motive. I want my roommates to be grateful I did the dishes or that co-worker to be grateful I picked up their task, because I had extra time. But I have been given a gift of being single and independent in this city and truly I don't HAVE to do anyone's job for them. I just have to worry about my own. The only reward that matters is the one I give myself. And I need to remember that.
Fight Right
"In marriage, it's less important to have many pleasant experiences than it is to have fewer pleasant experiences, because people have a "negativity bias"; our reactions to bad events are faster, stronger, and stickier than our reactions to good events...it takes at least five positive marital actions to offset one critical, or destructive action."
The idea of a "negativity bias" really struck a chord with me. I have known inside that this is true. I have felt it. But to read it in a book and have a name put to it is pretty awesome. And I think back on where I went wrong in my last relationship and how I can do right next time. And this is so a place. At the end it was all negative experiences and we seldom reinforced with positive.
No Dumping
This one is obvious. I am SUCH a dumper in my relationships. I always assumed that is what they were there for...my negativity...and there can often be a lot of it. But she tested this and her lack of dumping (in her marriage and I would say even friendships) had no negative affect on her or her relationships. It just dissipated.
Show Proofs of Love
"There is no love; there are only proofs of love"
- Pierre Reverdy
I love that. Again, I knew that I loved him and I thought that was enough. I needed to show him my love every single day. I needed to make his birthday special, to take his laundry in, to go to bed when he did.
Early this week I was having a conversation with a friend about how I was craving physical intimacy. Just with friends...you know lately I have gone to work then just come home. And I am not always a hugger by nature. You would seldom see me hugging co-workers. But we NEED that affection.
"Hugging relieves stress, boosts feelings of cloesness, and even squelches pain. In one study, people assigned to give five hugs each day for a month, aiming to hug as many different people as they could, became happier."
This next one is probably the biggest one for me.
"I'd always followed the adage 'Don't let the sun go down on your anger,' which meant, in practical terms, that I scrupulously aired every annoyance as soon as possible, to make sure I had my chance to vent my bad feelings before bedtime. I was surprised to learn from my research, however, that the well-known notion of anger catharsis is poppycock. There's no evidence for the belief that 'letting off steam' is healthy or constructive. In fact, studies show that aggressively expressing anger doesn't relieve anger but amplifies it. On the other hand, not expressing anger often allows it to disappear without leaving ugly traces."
Woah...that is all I have to say to that one.
In the last section of the chapter she goes on to speak of finding her happiness formula. The short phrase that sums up how she believes we need to live/act to be happy. Part of it for her is "feeling right." The feeling that she is living the life she is supposed to lead. That is right for her - whether that be occupation, location, marital status, etc. I LOVE that idea. Because that is truly my quest...whether I had a name for it or not.
So I am going to focus on living right.
And for today I am going to let my annoyances go without airing them. I will report back.
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