"I'm so broke that it ain't funny."

I am taking a break from House of Cards Season Two to write this...the sacrifices I make for my writing. (Bah!)

I don't entirely know what to write so bear with me.

This might sound a little like my Jo March post...but maybe a little bit more bleak.

I am so broke. Just so broke. Not the most I have ever been, but close. And I know many of us are.

I work three (ish) jobs. One that is consistent (at least five days a week). One that has periods of downtime. And catering which is hit or miss (but pays BANK).

Three jobs. I have a college degree. And an above average IQ (I don't know this for certain...but I am fairly positive).

This post isn't even about finding a job to turn into a career or a lifelong passion (Jo March) this is about making ends meet and not wanting to kill myself or losing every second of free time I have and my self-respect.

When I first moved here I thought it was going to be so easy to get a survival job. It wasn't. I went about three months without a steady job. And then the one I got ended up being not that steady. I have never applied for so many jobs in my life. And not hearing back and thinking I am perfect and just coming up short is so hard. This is why I couldn't be an actor. All that rejection. TOO MUCH. I see so many posts on Playbill or even just about other jobs in this world that aren't theatre related and I think "I could do that." I should apply. But then I don't. Because it requires retooling my resume and writing a cover letter (aka the bane of my existence.) Again...there is the passivity that has become the rule in my life. It also helps that I got a new computer and can't afford Microsoft Office. It is a catch-22...yet not remotely funny.

I made my rent last month. It was close, but I made it. And I will make it this coming month... I won't get to splurge on anything with my tax refund probably, but I will have a roof over my head. And that is something many do not have.

And truly I want for very little. Yeah I wish I could buy more groceries, but I am not hungry. Yeah I want to buy that cute jacket at H&M or those cute boots, but I have an abundance of clothes. Thus far this year I have seen 1 or 2 shows a week. I was able to buy Pringles a few hours ago. The frozen pizzas I like were on sale.

But more than anything it is the stress and anxiety. The fact that February is the shortest month. And that I spend so many nights in, because I can't afford to go out, but then I get sad or restless, because I am stuck inside. I had to turn down friends on Thursday, because I couldn't afford to go out. And I had a GREAT night in. But it still just SUCKS.

And I don't know if there is a point to this. But it is where I am today.

In other news, the library is free and I got Better Nate Than Ever by Tim Federle and The Happiness Project (which goes right to the heart of 2014!) Book reviews to come.